Solo in my blue room
When I was 20 or 21 I had this bedroom over Vine Street in Cincinnati, it was the only time in my life till now that I was ever truly unattached/single. I had a huge apartment in an old building with some of my best friends, Sandy and Johno. The room was over Bogart's in Coryville. Bogarts was and I believe still is a small concert hall. Here is a picture of my window. I did not take take this photograph, I wasn't much into technology in those days. I didn't have a camera or a tv. I had a radio/cd player and my room was usually just filled with music, maybe some pot smoke and lots of original art by myself and friends. That stack of bay windows to the left was my apartment building and the lower window was my bedroom.
My friends usually Andrea, Sandy or Aura and I would often sit in that window, talk for hours laugh and people watch. I worked at a coffee shop in downtown Cincy called Gratzi Cafe and when I wasn't making Lattes I was painting, writing poetry, drinking wine, hanging out all night at my favorite bars or parks till early mornings over coffee at Perkins. Up until recently that was the happiest time of my life. I was on my own, but often randomly seeing someone and I remember one guy I went out with for a little while took me out to a goth bar we all frequented, I think it was called The Cave, I don't remember. But Eric (the guy I was with) was friends with the owner of the club and could request music and I remember he took me there one night, and asked his friend to play this U2 song called "In Your Blue Room". Eric told me that it was just like being in my room. The song came up the other day, I hadn't heard it in forever, but as soon as I did, it took me right back to that room. So I've added the song and lyrics to this blog. I loved that room and maybe at some point I will explain why I walked away from it and the lifestyle there that I so adored; mostly it had a lot to do with my family and attempting to be the person they had intended me to be, instead of exactly me. But that is long story that I'm not interested in thinking about or sharing at the moment :).
Anyway I tell you all this because being single again for the first time after 2 long term relationships - I have my own room again! And the fascinating thing is that although this new room is not over a bar in Cincinatti overlooking a street where I can people watch and smoke with friends, it is the same room. Book shelves full of my favorite authors. A Van Gogh print and tapestries, art by friends, candles and books by my bed, big windows and a blue bed spread. What I loved about back then and what I love about now, I have realized, is that I was and am now authentically, exactly me. I realize now that I lost a part of myself in those past two relationships and for the sake of those men, family obligations and jobs I did not care for, I became some one I was not. I was still me, but somewhat lost in all of that. I think many of us fall into that trap at some point. Now though I know myself more intimately than ever, I like who I am and I am absolutely positive that when and if I get in another relationship I will not lose the joy and freedom of being authentically, exactly me, ever again.
Here is a picture of me and my friends Sandy and my sister Linda. It was my 21st Birthday Party. I'm the girl on the left, looking down. That's my room in the background though you can't really see it. I never realized till now the secret of being as happy as I was then lay in just accepting and expressing exactly who I am. XoX C
Uploaded on Oct 20, 2008
From the B-Sides of "The Best of 1990-2000"
It's time to go again
To your blue room
Got some questions to ask of you
In your blue room
The air is clean
Your skin is clear
I've had enough fun hanging 'round here
It's a different kind of conversation
Your blue room
Saw me coming
Saw me coming
Somewhere I can hide
And time is a string of pearls...your blue room
(I'm a swinger)
See the future just hanging there...your blue room
A new frame, a new perspective
Looking down on my objectives
Your instructions whatever their directions
Your blue room
Saw me coming
East by the moon
Saw me coming
Can you feel
Your blue room
One day I'll be back...your blue room
Yeah, I hope I remember where it's at...your blue room
We see me slide
Won't you give me a home
So much for change
Nothing I can't do without
A lens to see it all up close
Magnifying what no one knows
Never in company
No car alarm
No cellular phone
All lyrics by U2
And the chill stayed
It was a hot day yesterday until the storm rolled through, the rain pelted the roof, the wind rattled my windows and I went outside to let the rain drops wash through me, renew me. A chill came in with that storm and when it had passed and the sun rays tentatively stole their shining way back out again from behind clouds of gray, the chill stayed.
Feels like fall this morning with a cool crisp air that brings me to life. There are few things I have seen in my travels more lovely than the first chilly fall morning in a Northern City.
Help Yourself ;)
There comes a moment in life when you must stop second guessing yourself and stop running around asking everyone else what is best for you!! You know what is best for you. You must trust your own personal guidance system! When you ask others for advice in nearly every case they will tell you what you can do that will be most beneficial to them. You need to ask yourself what you must do that will be most beneficial to you! This is not selfish because you can never help anyone out by changing yourself to do what they believe will make them happy. If others need you to behave a certain way in order for them to be happy, they are not happy! They are not trusting their own personal guidance system and have no business attempting to be yours! When you do what makes you happy, when you do what brings you the absolute most joy, you will not only best help yourself, you will also help other people. Being your best self causes those around you to desire to be their best self!
You do people a favor when you follow your bliss over their advice!
Your bliss, your desire, your dream is the one and only thing you came here to do. You do what you came here to do and you and every single person who comes in contact with you benefits! It is difficult to explain but sometimes to follow your heart you must "let others down". But guess what when you attempt to please someone by being any less than your true self, you are not doing that person any favors! You let someone else down more by changing yourself to be what you think they need, than by actually being you. Perhaps you are carrying someone's weight at work, or living up to another's standards (a mate, a friend, a parent, a boss) but you have to repeatedly do things that make you unhappy to please this person. Do you realize by allowing them to depend upon your unhappiness to make them happy you are standing between them and their own ability to step up and do what it takes to make themselves happy!!! No one is truly happy when they depend upon another to create their bliss! No one is truly happy while depending upon another to suffer in any way for their sake. We are happier when we take responsibility for our own joy, our own bliss, our own dream. Take responsibility for your own bliss and allow others instead of depending upon you for their "happiness" to discover the empowerment of creating their own joy! (Ultimately whether they find their own bliss or not is not really your problem, you are not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own :). They'll be okay, they came here for a purpose too and they won't find it while they are letting you do all their dirty work ;).)
When we trust our heart and do what we long for most, desire most, hope for most, we help ourselves and everyone else.
Thank you all for reading and your support! I am a people pleaser through and through, and in order to follow my dream of being a writer I have to stop worrying about pleasing the people around me and I have to sit down and finish my book. Many people had become dependent on me over the past year, and it's my own damn fault trying to make everyone happy but myself. Now to do the one thing I know in my heart that I came to this earth to do I have had to let some people down and maybe more still!!! I was born saying yes to everyone, it is taking everything in me to say no, but I must do what brings me joy and what brings me joy is inspiring others. If I am so busy killing myself to please a very small circle, a very large circle may never receive the encouragement I came to this earth to give. Please send positive thoughts my way all of you. No one pays me to stay up all night writing a book, or to stay up all day taking care of my kids. I'm scared but so damn determined :). Love you all! Charity
Following my restless traveling spirit wherever it may lead; making art, taking pictures and writing notes along the way.
All Photos and Written Work Copyright ©2022 Charity Janisse