My Private Journal

I have chosen to open this blog back up to the public. This was a tough decision for me because I have changed so much since I started my journey in late 2012 that much of what has been written here doesn't really represent who I am now, or how I feel, or what I believe to be true about myself and others, but it does represent my journey and I guess it's okay to let people see where I started, what I went through and how it all led to who I am now. I was angry at my family for a long time. And it is an undercurrent that you will see in some of these blogs. I am not angry at my family any more, in fact I love them more than I can imagine possible for them and I am so thankful for each one of them. Even though we disagree on much and I never felt like most of them could understand me or see me for who I truly am, I realize now that doesn't matter. The important thing is that I see myself for who I truly am and that I love what I do and that I recognize my gifts. And any criticism that has been given me, or all the times that I have been judged or put down for believing the way I do or living my life the way I choose has only made me fight harder to be my authentic self. So I am thankful for all of it, I am happy that I have had to fight through my fears and learn to express myself as I truly am. Another reason that I had deleted multiple blogs and ultimately took down the whole thing for a while was because I was embarrassed that for the first time in my life I fell deeply in love and it was with someone who did not return those feelings. But it's interesting to look back now and think that I was embarrassed about a feeling as beautiful as love, who gives a damn if we love someone who does not return that feeling, isn't it wonderful just to experience that depth of feeling, to have it permeate our being, soften our heart and transform our lives. I have spent my life with my walls up, not even truly believing that love was real, I have help tightly to my heart for as long as I can remember, but I am learning to open up and all the art and poetry I have created and shared here has been a huge part of that process. Never stop creating, never stop writing if your driven to write. Even if it's never going to be seen by anyone but you, the important thing is that you have brought your thoughts to life. You have brought you imaginings into reality and you have given them a voice to speak and no matter what any one else thinks, that is always a beautiful thing.
​Charity