The sun burned hot in the sky last summer.
The rain did not come for months and everything that had been real to me began to fade
Like the green of the grass as it changed to yellow, crackled beneath my bare feet and turned to dust.
I remember forgetting obligations, complications and random social drama...
I stepped away from it all and chased rust and trains instead.
As the reality I knew twisted, turned, writhed and fought for my attention
I let it wither and fade.
I ran after magic, I meditated in the dry heat,
I let time roll backwards and forwards then cease to exist at all.
I chased sunrises and sunsets
I hunted for old buildings where I could lose myself in photographing the lovely details
Of crumbling bricks and cracked paint
And I thought about how everything we build turns to ash eventually.
It is only our soul outside of time and fabrication that lives and exists to create more life.
So I stopped feeding the machine
The man made web of credit, work and wasted days
My life would no longer be lost to wretched office walls
That would one day crumble and decay like the rest.
I chased sunsets and trains instead
Until I couldn't even remember why I ever walked into the office day after day
And believed that it mattered and was worth trading in my life, my bliss, my time or my art.
Then one day after the drought outside had lasted for so long
that it had drained most of the color from the natural world around me
I looked up and asked for rain.
I felt one drop then another
The sky clouded and the storm came
With a torrent of rain
And I walked out of the office and chased the storm instead.
Charity J January 27 2013
I waited by the window.
I waited by the door.
I waited at a cafe table with a bottle of wine and I watched for a sign.
On the fire escape, leaned over the rail.
Watched till night fell, the streets cleared
and a hollow wind tangled through the trees.
I watched the sun rise and fall, the moon wax and wane...
The seasons would change and yet no change in me.
I waited and those thoughts of you would not leave.
I waited for a step on the stair, a knock on the door, a word in my ear.
Smoked a cigarette on the fire escape
flicking ashes through the rails between my feet
watching the embers fall to the sidewalk and burn out.
And I waited for these feelings to fade away like the end of a long hot day,
the way a cool night breeze comes through the window
tickles my neck inviting me out for a midnight walk.
I waited for a word, a touch, a something... but nothing.
I waited till I could not even remember what it was I wanted and why
I had never bothered to ask before I waited.
So I waited.