Charity Janisse
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waste not your precious thoughts with me

8/31/2005

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let not your eyes follow

bother not with me
a lover I'll never be to you
I know that now
I'll let myself out
and after now
whatever I see
dream think or want
will not be anything I'll trouble you with
you needn't worry
don't let your sweet head ache
with thoughts
of us
waste not your precious thoughts with me
I'll mind myself thanks
walk on down the tracks
I'll skim across the plains
worry not for lost love
it comes again
and I'll pretend I was not tossed out
by the idea of him
want not for an evening
alone together you and I
and wander not what we may have been together
or all the times you made me cry
rest your heavy head
on another's shoulder
and tell yourself a lie
like I'm better off with out you
and your pretty words
yah tell yourself another lie
like I am better off
without the things you said
oh the likes of which I'd never heard...
wonder not about me
and the road that I walk down
I shall be looking back
enough for the two of us
though I doubt
I'll ever see you again
around
this way
and I'll try to let my heart not ache
I'll try to see another face
in my mind when I wake
and I'll try not to let my soft heart break
for all the love that we will not make
let not your eyes follow my steps
out the door
just let your lazy gaze
trail to the floor
and let me step safely soundly away
and let your heart not think of me
even one more day...
I'll just step away quietly ~ so quietly
I'll just walk ~ yes I'll walk away right now
I'll just run ~ I sware to god ~ I'll just run away so far
as fast as I can
cause it's hurts too damn much
to linger here
and hunger for another that I've not even met.

Charity

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unsaid

8/31/2005

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​unsaid

alone here
fresh from a bath
soak away my restless thoughts
and pour myself a cool glass of wine
I think of words
said
unsaid
and the trails of you
my mind follows through
the paths back to your smile
and a few kind words
a road my mind knows
oh... all to well
and you are not real.
I knew that all along
but wanted to believe
somewhere
someone was different from the others
what a silly expectation that turned out to be
a sip of my drink
and I know that I'll think
even less about you
tomorrow than I did today
and that is
the only way
I'll get through this
without feeling
utterly hurt and foolish
it was only words after all
as pretty as they seamed
and then... well ~ perhaps a few reckless dreams
and some pictures that made me a little weak in the knees
but there was no voice
no touch ~ no kiss
no proof that you actually do exist
and tomorrow I'm sure
that I will miss
you less than I do tonight
yah I'll be I'll right
let me just tell myself this one more time
and I won't feel so hurt and foolish
forgotten
unwanted
out of your sight and completely out of your mind

just know it was never what you said that hurt me
but all that you did not say
and the knowing that you never will.


tell me how you move on so easily
without thinking of me please
I need some clues
give me the keys
to the way you let go so carelessy
I want to be indifferent
unspent
thoughtless
 and well...more like you
if only to hurt a little less
over this silly mess
of emotions
I let myself
get tangled up inside
not even quite sure why
it's not as if I love
 just anyone...
so just tell me now
how to recover
think of some other
move on
and not let my mind wander
back to you...
tell me please
give the keys
to how you move on
with such careless ease
I want to be thoughtless
unspent, indifferent
and well...
 a little more like you
so I can hurt
a little bit less than I do.
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neither this nor that

8/29/2005

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​Mon, Aug 29, 2005, 10:42 PM
to sweet_jane17
cast out

neither this nor that
nor they nor we
I heard the words but did not see
was this your request
what a tepid plea
and I am not impressed
fell down
cast out
forgot
exactly how
to say or do what I said never
for
and I began to believe
that there was a need
for something else outside of me
was to blind to fucking see
the truth
don't stand
where I can see
the shadow of
your face on the ground
even that is
to close for me
when you're around
I sigh
throw another
little
temper tantrum and
try my damndest not to cry
I'm such a girl
such a fucking girl these days
what did you say
did I go back
lose track
old letters
sounded better
than what your saying now
and how you caught me
borrowed sold bought me
it's a lie
another god damn lie
and I believed
for a moment I just
really wanted to believe
that some one some where
was honest
and could care
but fuck it
fuck you
fuck them all.
You're just the same
you're just the fucking same as everyone
so don't stand
near
put out your hand
I fear
you're just another bull shit man
is that your plan
get
near to me
pretend to be
something sacred
unique and deep
I don't want it
I don't buy it and honestly

I'd just rather get some sleep.
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the nothingness of this

8/24/2005

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Aug 24, 2005, 9:45 AM

surround me with a breath
a smile
a soft word or
nothing
as I lean and look into the nothingness of this
for a few minutes it felt like something
amazing
but I have landed
I'm so pissed that I fucking cried
over the idea of you
I'm spacing out...
out of words ~ out of thoughts
and I can't believe you said you'd be
just the same
without me
I can't believe
I cared so god damn much
for someone who could take or leave me...
it's all the same
you're all the fucking same

Charity

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out of my head, heart... soul

8/23/2005

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You did me quite a favor really
now let me just take a few minutes and get you
the fuck out of my head
heart... soul
wherever you managed
to weezle you way into
without even noticing
My mind wandered but you brought it back
reminded me how lucky I am to be loved
by someone other than you
anyone really must be out there
has to be more some how 
one way or another

so thanks  ~ if nothing else
thanks for that
now all I have left to say about you
is the idea and fantasy
was much better than the reality
of who you turned out to be
I can't believe
I was stupid enough to think
that you were different
in any way
from all the others...
now get the fuck out of my life.

Charity

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side stepping emotions

8/23/2005

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​ Aug 23, 2005 12:02 PM

Falling down
stumbling out the door
of this futile love
as I push you up
against the wall
in the very back corner of my mind
another feeble attempt to leave you behind
indifference
and a callous phrase
from the one that once gave me
a little more faith in man's ways
sidestepping emotions
and ideas of us
that bring more hurt
than I care to admit
to you, myself or anyone really at this point
as I sit here once again
feeling forgettable
unbeautiful
and I've wasted too many thoughts on you to count
if I had the time even
I would not take it now
I'm just not resilient enough
to allow myself to love
someone that I'd rather push up
against a wall
in the very back corner of my mind.
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a thread

8/21/2005

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​Sun, Aug 21, 2005, 8:30 AM
to sweet_jane17
we are hanging by a thread
and the things that you said
are killing me
so deep
that I can hardly breathe
not sure what I want
hoping it's along
the lines of what you need
and I'm tyring to get better
trying to get over
to many words unsaid, unread
and I'm trying to think clearly
why do you stay so near me
sometimes...
I wish I had it in me to feel as fine
as you do
you still seam to
 love so much
and I'm barely in touch
at all
can't fall
when I have been left uncaught
so many times past
everything moves so fast
and once again you want it all back
how much longer
can I hang in
till I feel what you feel again...
forever I soppose
as this is what I chose
and I have a life time left...
to remember how to trust again.
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unwind from Reality

8/5/2005

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Aug 5, 2005, 2:31 PM
​
no chance of forever I tell the truth
then sit and stare
frighten myself
because who I am
hits me more fiercely
than I'd like to admit sometimes
thoughts of you
turned out to be
a brief excursion
from reality
what a brilliant diversion you would be
but that would have been all
and I
have deeper things
left on my mind
than a tumble with someone
who is mostly blind
to the essence of my nature
sometimes it's far too easy to find
something someone
to help me unwind
but I
talk some sense into myself
you move on to someone else
it would not have mattered in the end
our lives are to different
much better as friends
since we have no chance whatsoever
of any sort of together
forever
why hurt each other
when we could both find a lover
anywhere any place
anyway.
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    Charity Janisse


    Poems I've written over the course of my life and recently.
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