cherris Blog Archives

​Wed, Sep 14, 2005, 2:58 PM
to Sweet
sent out

I sent out my sense
of personal censorship
and am waiting for a replacement
please disregard the
out of the way place nobody goes
spirit of my conversation
I am tired of second guessing everything
I say before or after
I am frustrated with the fact that it's
my responsibility if some
uninvited person falls for me
You would like me to be exactly as I am
but only in the way that pleases you
I have been raised to think twice
or thrice or three thousand fucking times
before I make up my mind
I have been trained that each impulse
or out of step action
could actually mean
my eternal distruction
and the saddest thing I was taught to believe
is that no one could ever actually put up with me
I'm to far out of line
to open of mind
to loud and to playful
to careless to rash
to fucking impulsive and ready to laugh
I say the right things
at all the wrong times
I'm offensive, immoral and well... impolite...

But I bit my toungue so hard it's bleeding thru
I toned it all down so I would not frighten you...

Still was this not the draw
the first thing that you saw
that caused you to love me
from the very beginning
didn't you sware that you love
the way I run through all the mazes of life
with no social graces exactly quite right
and that I see between the lines and the screen
not accepting the division of realness and dream
you said you loved me for these
and you just may be tested
No longer arrested is
this spirit within me
I will not second guess it

and I hope you can love me
I hope you can love me
as I am
and always will be

because I'm done pretending that
I care if I'm offending you or all the rest
I can still love you all and not be
exactly what you expect
 just let me recollect
my sense of indivisuality
and lack of grasp upon reality
and please don't mind my restless ramblings...
because
I sent out my sense of personal censorship
and am waiting for a replacement
please disregard the
out of the way place nobody goes
spirit of my conversation.

10:55 PM - 11 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
        Cherris


still editing this one but I did infact mean for it to be all over the
place in rhyme and rhythm. Thanks for reading
C

Posted by Cherris on Friday, May 27, 2005 at 8:06 AM
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        Kimber


i like this one. i like the 'all over the place rhyme and rhythm'. it fits.

Posted by Kimber on Friday, May 27, 2005 at 2:46 PM
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        Cherris


A fellow ENFP would get this one lol ;) you ever feel like that? Like
you need to tone down the energetic intensity of your nature so people
don't get overwhelmed? Just wondering if that goes with the
personality type? Thanks for the comment btw =)!!

Posted by Cherris on Friday, May 27, 2005 at 3:17 PM
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        Kimber


yeh, but i can't do that. my mom is always telling me i need to chill
cuz i'm gonna scare people off.

"and the saddest thing I was taught to believe
is that no one could ever actually put up with me
I'm to far out of line
to open of mind
to loud and to playful
to careless to rash
to fucking impulsive and ready to laugh
I say the right things
at all the wrong times
I'm offensive, immoral and well... impolite..."

but if i did that i wouldn't be me and what's the sense in not being
yourself just for other peoples' sake? doesn't make sense to me. i am
who i am, either you like it or you don't. deal with, i do. my ex
should read this.

" You would like me to be exactly as I am
but only in the way that pleases you"

Posted by Kimber on Friday, May 27, 2005 at 3:32 PM
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        Cherris


I completely agree with you. I have to be myself anyway because I suck
at pretending to be anything else haha. For a while I thought it was
just part of growing up you know. That at some point I would need to
get my shit together and be stable or whatever... boring is a better
word lol. But I'm realizing I am who I am and always will be and I
need to stop fighting it... and I guess part of me is afraid that the
people in my life won't be able to deal with the real me... but fuck
it atleast I'll be happy =).

Posted by Cherris on Saturday, May 28, 2005 at 11:36 PM
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        Such a Basketcase


i soooooooo whole-heartedly agree like.. i can't even begin to explain
how much i agree.. but the troubling part about it is i'm going
through the same thing and i do it to myself all the time. i find
myself warning those around me of what they might see and i still try
to conceal it but it's so much harder hiding who and what you really
are than just openly expressing it and finding those willing to
accept. finding those willing to accept it is just as difficult tho.
and so the vicious cycle continually repeats itself. this is my
favorite of yours by far!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  <~ it definitely deserves
all those exclamations haha

Posted by Such a Basketcase on Saturday, July 23, 2005 at 5:33 PM
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        CrimsonWido


i feel this way all the time.. im so sick of not being able to be
myself around certain people... exspecially in this house... they just
dont understand me lol... i love so many lines in this one...
exspecially... "I sent out my sense of personal censorship
and am waiting for a replacement
please disregard the
out of the way place nobody goes
spirit of my conversation." great job cherris ...u fucking rock!

Posted by CrimsonWido on Saturday, May 28, 2005 at 8:58 PM
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        Cherris


Thanks so much!! I know what you mean, I am not one for censoring
myself but some times it's not worth the conflict it will cause with
certain people for me to just let it all hang out you know. It sucks
to be in situations like that. I am learning tho to relax more and
express my true self even when it might be a bit much for someone I
love. If they love me they're gonna have to deal sooner or later,
cause the real me is inevitably going to surface hehe.
Those are my favorite lines too. That particular part is what came
into my head first and the the whole poem is based around it. There
are still some things I think need tweaking here... but it makes the
point. Thx for commenting you know your input means so much to me :)!!

Posted by Cherris on Saturday, May 28, 2005 at 11:25 PM
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        jen


WOW. I LOVE this poem. Nice profile picture change too by the way,
quite lovely. ~peace.

Posted by jen on Sunday, May 29, 2005 at 2:00 AM
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        Cherris


Thanks so much! I could definitely use some of your editing
suggestions Jen. I'll post this in group when I have more time to come
back to it. I've had a busy Holiday weekend. But I feel this poem is
so long I lose the impact of the first and last stanza, and that's
what this poem is based on. I needed to say everything I said here...
just to sort it all out. But I don't know if it all necessarily needs
to be in this poem. I don't usually edit my poetry much... but I do
feel like this one still needs a little pruning. C

Posted by Cherris on Monday, May 30, 2005 at 10:33 AM
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        Strawbery


Wonderful!  CLAP CLAP CLAP