and I hate it
I sit here estranged from myself in thought a few to many glasses of wine too early in the day but it goes down smooth and it's Saturday so what does it matter worlds of memories visions triumphs and failures hit me like a car crash the way it happens in slow motion and I know I am to blame all the same I cannot stop the collision so I sit here too many realizations and this ship of thought or whatever the fuck you want to call this tangent of emotion capsizes in my mind and I am helpless to control the sinking flooding exaggerated randomness of yesterday and then some I'll surface soon I'll breathe again I'll live somehow (as if I never knew him) I'm such a liar I'm such a liar sometimes coping... and I am surprised with everything that I've memorized that I cannot think how to cope right now glass to lip another sip I'm careful and cautious to keep it responsible in the daylight hours who knows what will happen at night and I don't even care to think of later so swallowed by before I go on you go on the after thought of everything is testing me to the furthest extreme of all rationality and I will be alright tomorrow or the day after or the next why am I so perplexed by pain at this point it should be second nature to me and I tell you I'm okay I quickly glance away I stopped crying five minutes ago and I'm fine I'm fine except that I am such a liar I am such a fucking liar it's all I can do as memories better left in the sad places that I tried to put them some where deep inside wash right through my mind and I am helpless I am helpless... and I hate it -- C.Joy
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Charity Janisse
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August 2022
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