estranged from Myself

​and I hate it

I sit here
estranged from myself in thought
a few to many glasses of wine
too early in the day
but it goes down smooth and it's Saturday
so what does it matter
worlds of  memories
visions
triumphs and failures
hit me like a car crash
the way it happens in slow motion
and I know I am to blame
all the same
I cannot stop
the collision
so I sit here
too many realizations
and this ship of thought
or whatever the fuck you want to call
this tangent of emotion
capsizes in my mind
and I am helpless
to control
the sinking flooding
exaggerated randomness
of yesterday
and then some
I'll surface soon
I'll breathe again
I'll live somehow
(as if I never knew him)
I'm such a liar
I'm such a liar
sometimes
coping...
and I am surprised
with everything that I've
memorized
that I cannot think how to cope right now
glass to lip
another sip
I'm careful and cautious to keep it responsible
in the daylight hours
who knows what will happen at night
and I don't even care
to think of later
so swallowed by before
I go on
you go on
the after thought of everything
is testing me
to the furthest extreme
of all rationality
and I will be alright
tomorrow
or the day after
or the next
why am I so perplexed
 by pain
at this point
it should be second nature to me
and I tell you
I'm okay
I quickly glance away
I stopped crying five minutes ago
and I'm fine
I'm fine
except that I am such a liar
I am such a fucking liar
it's all I can do
as memories better left
in the sad places that
I tried to put them some where deep inside
wash right through my mind
and I am helpless
I am helpless...
and I hate it
--
C.Joy