September 14th, 2005

​I forget how young I am sometimes
Current mood: thoughtful

this is my favorite
quiet place to hide
inside
my skin
as bruises fade
and choices are made
as I choose to live
free and whole again
too many close calls in
such a short time
that I forget how
fucking young
I actually am
there was the time in the ocean
10 years old
caught in the undertow
as my lungs filled up with cold salt water
and they had to pull me free of the waves
and breathe life back into me
as I choked and found the will to live and breath
and at the age of fourteen
in a third world country
when the government was overthrown
and Americans were held hostage
and not aloud to leave the island
while the UN fought for us
to get let go
and there was gunfire near by
and rebels on the capital lawn
and war and death
near enough to hear
and we made it out
to young to realize
 the true danger of those days
then again at the age of16
when I thought
that I would rather sleep forever
than feel the pain
of first lost love
and I made stupid choices
and almost let my life fade from me
too many pills and my world blurred
and my head ached
and I refused to cry
but once again
it was not my time
and my silly dog kept barking and howling at me
wouldn't let me go to sleep
all through that blurry night
and I know if I'd have closed my eyes
I would have died
then at 19...
a near head on collision
my car was ripped like tinfoil
at the hands of a big work van
my body tossed at the windshield
blood on my face
but I stepped out and walked away from that place...
I won't give up so easy
no reason really...
then at 21
when I got in the worse fight of my life...
and forgot the guy had a gun
I remember seeing him run
to the place where he kept it hidden
after he threw me at the door
I nearly crumbled to the floor
but I felt the cool metal of the door knob
on my way down
and as he reached for the gun
I stood up
walked out the door
and began to run
I ran and ran
so breathless
not looking back
till I was so far away...
never to go back to him and that place
And then again there was the last time...
at the age of 27 I think... mabie 28
mistakes were made
by medical people
at a critical time
and they almost lost me...
20 mmore minutes they said... without the surgeons
 I'd have bled too much inside
and have been dead
I remember how my husband fought for me
hardly leaving my hospital bed...
it's all too much... to many times
to many close calls
in such a short life
to many moments
when everything flashed before my eyes
when I touched  eternity for a moment
and came back...
life is so precious
I never will give up
I'll fight to live
cause  I can't get enough
of possibilty and opportunity
never knowing what will happen next
and how much better life always gets
I'll fight forever
for this life I live...