I don't know what to say
at this point I feel faint falling falling sigh do I have to cry so many times... so many times I want to be over this I want to be okay for one moment of one day I left I know I did I was so scared so damn scared I didn't know where to go or what to do I couldn't stay in that god damn town and not be with you I couldn't see you and I couldn't deal with thinking of you with another even tho we didn't know how the fuck to be together I didn't know it was going to hurt like this not like this after all this time and I must have heard a thousand times over that love fades with time wounds heal and I'm still waiting I was told by everyone that seamed to know what the hell they were talking about that eventually I'd be over you and better for it what a bunch of fucking liars to say such things to a kid like me and I didn't know any better than to believe so damn nieve and now I've been running for so long and don't even remember where I'm from and no one remembers me I left everything I owned and had ever known went back to a family that had never accepted me and I tried to change everything all over again to attempt to please them 'cause I was lost and didn't know where else to go but that's not home when you have to change everything you are and accept as truth things you don't believe in or even agree with to be loved and accepted by someone that's not family and I don't give a damn how thick blood does run when people refuse to love you as you are that's not home I've been looking for home my whole life I htought I'd found it by being your wife... but I was to damn young and to fucked up to be a partner to anyone I couldn't even be there for myself let alone for you but that doesn't mean I didn't love you I love you so damn much you have no idea but I made you crazy I made you angry My restless and inability to stay put or finish anything made me hurt you more than I ever meant ... and never intended to and when you hurt me and did things that made me angry and crazy too I'd do something worse and hurt you too... I never meant I never meant I never meant any of that and when I made mistake after mistake and simply couldn't take hurting you anymore I tried to ended it all and when I failed at leaving this world I left town .... and when so soon after you had another in your bed... I wanted to leave this world again and I never dealt with any of this pain I loved you I just hated me I loved you I just didn't know how to be together forever with anyone not even me so I had to run I had to leave so atleast on of us could be free from the hell of being with me...
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Charity Janisse
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August 2022
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