so damn scared

I don't know what to say
at this point I feel faint
falling
falling
sigh
do I have to cry
so many times... so many times
I want to be over this
I want to be okay
for one moment
of one day
I left I know I did
I was so scared
so damn scared
I didn't know where to go
or what to do
I couldn't stay
in that god damn town
and not be with you
I couldn't see you
and I couldn't deal with thinking of you with another
even tho we didn't know how the fuck to be together
I didn't know it was going to hurt like this
not like this
after all this time
and I must have heard a thousand times over
that love fades with time
wounds heal
and I'm still waiting
I was told by everyone that seamed to know what the hell they were talking about
that eventually I'd be over you and better for it
what a bunch of fucking liars
to say such things
to a kid like me
and I didn't know any better than to believe
so damn nieve
and now I've been running for so long
and don't even remember where I'm from
and no one remembers me
I left everything I owned and had ever known
went back to a family
that had never accepted me
and I tried to change everything
all over again to attempt to please them
'cause I was lost
and didn't know where else to go
but that's not home
when you have to change everything you are
and accept as truth things you don't believe in
or even agree with
to be loved and accepted by someone
that's not family
and I don't give a damn how thick blood does run
when people refuse to love you as you are
that's not home
I've been looking for home my whole life
I htought I'd found it by being your wife...
but I was to damn young
and to fucked up
to be a partner to anyone
I couldn't even be there for myself
let alone for you
but that doesn't mean I didn't love you
I love you so damn much
you have no idea
but I made you crazy
I made you angry
My restless and inability to stay put or finish anything
made me hurt you
more than I ever meant ...
and never intended to
and when you hurt me
and did things
that made me angry and crazy too
I'd do something worse
and hurt you too...
I never meant
I never meant
I never meant
any of that
and when I made mistake after mistake
and simply couldn't take hurting you anymore
I tried to ended it all
and when I failed at leaving this world
I left town ....
and when so soon after
you had another in your bed...
I wanted to leave this world again
and I never dealt with any of this pain
I loved you
I just hated me
I loved you
I just didn't know how to be
together
forever
with anyone
not even me
so I had to run
I had to leave
so atleast on of us could be free
from the hell
of being with me...