how could I know when no one had loved me like that... before
I don't know how to let go I don't know how what have I what have I to do I can't change the past but these painful experiences have taught me that I can change my future into something beautiful without changing myself at all love saved my life so many times in so many ways when I finally learned to stay thru those long nights and difficult days loving another unconditionally taught me to believe in myself and that I am amazing without even changing a damn thing about who I am and that's all that I'd been told to do my whole life be something different be someone else and I tried dammit I tried because I was told and how did I know better too young to see or know that the people who raised me ...to hate me could be completely wrong about me how could I know that they were not right when they said if I was thin enough and religious enough everything in my life would be perfect how was I supposed to know how fucked up that was when no one had ever told me any different and when life got too hard and love turned out to be harder than I ever thought it could be and I longed to leave this world completely I mistakenly thought just as I'd been taught that I would be perfect and fine and life would be just right if I was pure enough, good enough, thin enough, religious enough anything anything except me... I would be fine if only I could be a better person than me and when I left home and everything in my life began to crash down around me and the love I had thought would save me only stood to betray me I tried to do all I'd been taught to do and how could I know how could I know that those who told me those wretched things those who could never accept or love me for just being me could be so wrong so completely wrong... and I fucked up everything in my life trying to be thin enough religious enough!!! DAMMIT!!! it is so fucked up I took those pills that made me so restless and unhappy and I stayed awake for months... starved myself tried to give up everything I instinctively wanted and desired and knew to be true because it fell outside of religious rule and DAMMIT I lost everything everything I loved everything I knew everything and you... you thought it was because of you that I ran but it was me it was me and my fucked up family and my drugged up insanity my quest to be anything that I could never be that made me want to run from me and you would have accepted me you would have loved me just for me but how could I let you when I didn't know I was even alowwed to accpet love for being who I am fuck fuck fuck and it still hurts after all I've learned how far I ran to get from all I thought was wrong about me I know now... you don't fix things in life by being perfect, religious, thin blah blah fucking blah all that shit I was told ...whatever you fix things in life by putting one foot in front of the other stepping from one day into the next holding on to the commitments you make to yourself and those that actually love you for who you are and you follow through and you stay and you do whatever you need to do to make love stay to make love stay because it is so rare to find someone who will be there day and night dark and light and it's worth the fight you don't have to change yourself fix yourself and try to fix and change anyone else all you really have to do is be we are all amazing each with our gifts our abilities and we may not be what everyone says we ought and we may not do all the things we were taught but we have strengths we've never even scene till life and love demands of us the very best that we could ever possibly be and I discovered that I discovered that along a very treacherous road that I would not wish on anyone but now that it's done I'm just so happy that I will never try to solve the problems in my life by being anything accept exactly who I am and fuck the pills that were supposed to make me thinner and fuck the religion that was supposed to make me better it will never it will never I thank the love and the life that taught me to wake up put on foot in front of the other and fight for the things that matter in the very depths of my absolute being and that is all that is all we can do and I'm sorry I'm so sorry I never did that for me and you... I didn't know any better I didn't know I would still love you ten years later and I never realized that you would have loved me to just as I am how could I know when no one ever had... no one ever had no one ever had loved me like that before. -- Charity
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Charity Janisse
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August 2022
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