when they Said - Extended

how could I know when no one had loved me like that... before

I don't know how to let go
I don't know how
what have I
what have I to do
I can't change the past
but these painful experiences have
taught me that
I can change my future
into something beautiful
without changing myself at all
 love
 saved my life
so many times in so many ways
when I finally learned to stay
thru those long nights
and difficult days
loving another unconditionally taught me
to believe
in myself
and that I am amazing
without even changing
a damn thing about
who I am
and that's all that I'd been told to do my whole life
be something different
be someone else
and I tried
dammit I tried
because I was told
and how did I know better
too young to see or know that
the people who raised me
...to hate me
could be completely wrong
about me
how could I know that they were not right
when they said
if I was thin enough
and religious enough
everything in my life would be perfect
how was I supposed to know
how fucked up that was
when no one had ever told me any different
and when life got too hard
and love turned out to be harder than I ever thought it could be
and I longed to leave this world completely
I mistakenly thought
just as I'd been taught
that I would be perfect and fine
and life would be just right
if I was pure enough, good enough, thin enough, religious enough
anything
anything
except me...
I would be fine
if only I could be
a better person than me
and when I left home
and everything in my life began to crash down around me
and the love I had thought would save me
only stood to betray me
I tried
to do all I'd been taught to do
and how could I know
how could I know that those who told me
those wretched things
those who could never accept or love me for just being me
could be so wrong
so completely wrong...
and I fucked up everything in my life
trying to be thin enough religious enough!!! DAMMIT!!!
it is so fucked up
I took those pills that made me so restless and unhappy
and I stayed awake for months... starved myself
tried to give up
everything I instinctively wanted and desired and knew to be true
because it fell outside of religious rule
and DAMMIT I lost everything
everything I loved
everything
I knew
everything
and you... you thought it was because of you
that I ran
but it was me
it was me
and my fucked up family
and my drugged up insanity
my quest to be anything
that I could never be
that made me want to run from me
and you would have accepted me
you would have loved me
just for me
but how could I let you
when I didn't know I was even alowwed to
accpet love
for being who I am
fuck fuck fuck
and it still hurts
after all I've learned
how far I ran
to get from all I thought was wrong
about me
I know now... you don't fix things in life
by being perfect, religious, thin blah blah fucking blah
all that shit I was told ...whatever
you fix things in life
by putting one foot in front of the other
stepping from one day into the next
holding on to the commitments you make to yourself
and those that actually love you for who you are
and you follow through
and you stay
and you do whatever you need to do
to make love stay
to make love stay
because it is so rare to find
someone
who will be there
day and night
dark and light
and it's worth the fight
you don't have to change yourself
fix yourself
and try to fix and change anyone else
all you really have to do is be
we are all amazing each
with our gifts
our abilities
and we may not be what everyone says we ought
and we may not do all the things we were taught
but we have strengths
we've never even scene
till life and love demands of us
the very best that we could ever possibly be
and I discovered that
I discovered that
along a very treacherous road
that I would not wish on anyone
but now that it's done
I'm just so happy that I will never try to solve the problems in my life
by being anything
accept exactly who I am
and fuck the pills that were supposed to make me thinner
and fuck the religion that was supposed to make me better
it will never
it will never
I thank the love and the life
that taught me
to wake up
put on foot in front of the other
and fight for the things that matter
in the very depths of my absolute being
and that is all
that is all we can do
and I'm sorry
I'm so sorry I never did that for me and you...
I didn't know any better
I didn't know I would still love you ten years later
and I never realized that you would have loved me to
just as I am
how could I know
when no one ever had...
no one ever had
no one ever had
loved me like that
before.

--
Charity