Why It Hasn't Left Me Yet

​I do not understand this feeling
what it is
and why it hasn't left me yet.
why do my eyes tear up
why does my heart 
beat so damn hard
why does my stomach turn a bit 
as I tremble
with some mix
of hope, pain and lust
when I think of this one
...
I try to breathe and then
my throat constricts
and
I have to tell myself to breathe again
and it's for nothing
just someone
I do not know
and should have forgot a year ago.
And I know it's not love
because love takes two people and here I am alone
but after more than a year of this
(whatever it is)
I am sure
that I have never loved before
because what I feel now
is more intense
than anything I've experienced
and still I know
it is not love 
because love takes two people ~ and I am only one

so then
what then
nothing 
except
I do not understand this feeling
what it is
and why it hasn't left me yet...

​Charity