I was tired and I didn't want to make anything special or spectacular
I didn't care what kind of mark I would leave on the world
It didn't matter to me if anyone knew I existed
or would ever know, beyond my lifetime
all the things that had driven me to fight so hard, to work so hard
just fell away
I was standing
on the ledge of nowhere.
there was nothing behind me
nothing before me
no one around me;
whether I had done that to myself
or it was just that no one else wanted my company
I did not know.
I was falling and dizzy and I could see little stars spinning around me
and then I was gone
as if I'd never existed at all.
there was peace
a feeling that reminded me
of all the words I'd read about love but never understood
and then I was laughing at myself from someplace else
laughing at the idea that I could ever imagine
that I had been wanted.
I couldn't cry
I'd done enough of that for one life already
I just felt nothing
a kind of black empty