​
Thu, Sep 22, 2005, 4:10 PM
to Sweet
think

I'm not thinking about you
about you right now
and I'm not drinking
here without you
without you right now
don't need a drink to get you out of my head
not enjoying this wine
so red
not thinking about you not thinking about you
right now
not sitting here
sitting here
writing this down
not tilting this glass
this feeling will pass
not drinking without you
right now...
not sitting here lonely
nothing thinking I'm the only one that
is in this love
that this isn't enough
for me
or for you
where's mind headed to
cause I'm not
IN LOVE WITH YOU!
not thinking about you not thinking about you anymore
not writing this down
wondering what these dreams are for
your not on my mind
I left you behind
I'm over you this time
this not
I'm over you
THIS TIME
and I'm not wondering where you are
I'm happy your so far
so far away
I won't beg you to stay
--
C.Joy

Monday, September 19, 2005
​am I so utterly out of reach
​
Am I to live
as fire and water
unbridled
unbidden
I'll come running after
am I to laugh
quietly under my breathless breath
I stop to wonder
have you left
will you come over
am I to dance
alone again under
the cover
of a moonlit hour
will candlelight
throw shadows
of one
or two
am I to spend another night
void of the true essence
I've seen of  you...
you are only
standing on the edge
you dare not
even think to
climb back through
the window
you'd rather
linger on the ledge
is it safe to enter
do you jump
down into the street
or climb to the rooftop
and what is it you expect to meet
in the torchlight
a curtain blowing
a silhouette of a girl
how many times
have I haunted your dreams
and you wonder if you've
ever haunted mine
if I want your love
the way you've longed for
even the smallest sign...
beyond a flutter of eye contact
as I quickly glance away
hide a faint smile
is it meant for you
do I want you to stay
an hour longer
and the question
pierces you again like a knife
do I desire you
for an evening
or perhaps the rest of my life
and why
do you hesitate
why do you dare not speak
 your heart your mind
am I so utterly out of reach

or is it you


Last night I dreamt an unusual dream that I can barely touch in this waking hour,
 and I woke to speak into darkness "I will always love you, I will always love you."

6:05 AM 
Charity Janisse

Monday, September 19, 2005
so I remembered my dream...
​
I remember the way
he said
"I love you"
I can almost hear it aloud in my mind
while I sit here now and write this down...
that subtle Irish lilt... and a hint of sadness
he begged me to stay on in town
for a spell
I'd already lingered a week or two
 too long
and it was beginning to feel like roots
and for some ~ roots ground and stabilize
through the winds and rain of life
but for me they are naught but a tangled trap
a spider web vast
attempting to keep me on
for too long ...
it's too much like ties
and I remember the look of love and sorrow in his eyes
another season and he'd have
his harvest and enough of what he thought he'd need
 to come and  travel along with me
but who waits for the land
when they long to touch the sky...
as I
ever, always do...
and it seems the only response I know to say
to words of love
is  goodbye...
and I ... always do
we met for one last night
in the tavern where we'd
locked eyes for the first time
with songs and a fireplace bright
he bought me
my share of ale
and I bedded him
as I'd intended anyway
with or without the drink
and whether or not I would stay
I saw something in his eyes
I'd never seen in a man
and I mistakenly thought
I'd stumble across the likes of one like him
again...
I did not.
I traded a house and a field
and any hope of family or a stable life
for the woods
and the roads
a verse, a song
and my ever restless wandering spirit.
I don't questions choices I make
once all is done
whether to go or stay
I'll always move on
I don't regret
the loves I've left along the way
but there was one
that almost made me stay
He said "I love you"
and from his lips those sacred words fell
with such passion
they sounded as if they'd been stolen from an epic tale
of  battle and romance and glory
something about him
and the way he made his claim
sounded as if it had never been said before
and would never be said again
to another
but could I be a lover
 to one
who needed solid ground beneath his feet
at the end of the day
a warm place to sleep
I need the ships, I need the waves
I need the forest, the fields
a brand new place
whenever I desire
a different tavern
a different fire
  endless adventures for stories and verses
but sometimes... my heart... it curses
my restless spirit
that could not stop along the way
wait a little longer and stay
with a man who said
"I love you" the way
I would never hear again...
and it took me a life time to realize
that I would forever be in love with him.

​Charity


5:55 AM

​Saturday, September 17, 2005
Lady of the Wood

She wanders the wasted wood
a forest nymph or a wood elf is she
as displaced in this land of man
 as the bear she so laments.
 Her heart is torn asunder
like the wood she loves
as it is carelessly devoured by man's plans
and thoughtless iron fist.
She is connected to the earth
a spirit of nature
that shines
as she comes for a time
to visit this wretched world
where so much is lost
and to soon forgotten...
So much beauty
in the endless art of leaves and bark
 tangled trees
and forgotten streams.
She cries for the land.
Her heart breaks for the loss of life
so brutally tossed aside
and she hides in sorrow
longing for a glimpse of hope in the morrow.
But in her sadness she forgets
that there is rare beauty in her compassion
a beautiful spirit
in her passion
for these creatures of the earth
and trees.
There is a reason
she is here in this place
of desolation, pain and waste.
She brings a spark of understanding
that few can fathom.
Her voice is a voice of reason
reminding us of the treason
of destroying where we come from
the earth, the trees, the water, the sun.
And though she feels spent
we hear her lament
and pause to revel in the beauty of nature
and sorrow of loss
we might otherwise
let pass us by.

Her passion weeps
the forest sleeps
but beauty is enraptured
in the images she's captured.
And her poetry sings a song
that allows her wood to live on
in the hearts and souls of those
that won't so easily forget
the simple beauty and value of a quiet forest
and the sanctuary that can be found
in the calming sound
of a rambling stream.


Another poem inspired by my lovely friend CrimsonWido

Charity Janisse

​Friday, September 16, 2005
was that the sun

was that the sun
sneaking through the kitchen window
casting it's yellow smile on the wall
was that the wind
teasing like hands through my hair
with the faint smell of fall
was that the morning
that crept thru my bedroom window
announcing that another day has come

was that the evening
the darkening sky
filled with stars as bright
as a glistening look in your eye
was that the world
continuing to spin
and the moon and the sun in the sky
as they have always been
was that life living still
and time preceding
onward without stopping

could it be that days carry on
and seasons change throughout the year
and night turns into dawn
even without you here
and I would not have thought
that the universe would continue
or even I
as small as I may be
in the whole realm of all
could wake and leave my dreams
and step from one day to the next
without you here with me

was that the sun
shining thru my kitchen window
casting it's yellow smile
on my face
was that smell of fall and the change of seasons
continuing in this place...
is it right that life should move forward and
that I should go on too
when I miss you more than ever before
and my heart will not stop aching

at the thought

of autumn

without you.

​Charity

​Wed, Sep 14, 2005, 2:58 PM
to Sweet
sent out

I sent out my sense
of personal censorship
and am waiting for a replacement
please disregard the
out of the way place nobody goes
spirit of my conversation
I am tired of second guessing everything
I say before or after
I am frustrated with the fact that it's
my responsibility if some
uninvited person falls for me
You would like me to be exactly as I am
but only in the way that pleases you
I have been raised to think twice
or thrice or three thousand fucking times
before I make up my mind
I have been trained that each impulse
or out of step action
could actually mean
my eternal distruction
and the saddest thing I was taught to believe
is that no one could ever actually put up with me
I'm to far out of line
to open of mind
to loud and to playful
to careless to rash
to fucking impulsive and ready to laugh
I say the right things
at all the wrong times
I'm offensive, immoral and well... impolite...

But I bit my toungue so hard it's bleeding thru
I toned it all down so I would not frighten you...

Still was this not the draw
the first thing that you saw
that caused you to love me
from the very beginning
didn't you sware that you love
the way I run through all the mazes of life
with no social graces exactly quite right
and that I see between the lines and the screen
not accepting the division of realness and dream
you said you loved me for these
and you just may be tested
No longer arrested is
this spirit within me
I will not second guess it

and I hope you can love me
I hope you can love me
as I am
and always will be

because I'm done pretending that
I care if I'm offending you or all the rest
I can still love you all and not be
exactly what you expect
 just let me recollect
my sense of indivisuality
and lack of grasp upon reality
and please don't mind my restless ramblings...
because
I sent out my sense of personal censorship
and am waiting for a replacement
please disregard the
out of the way place nobody goes
spirit of my conversation.

10:55 PM - 11 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
        Cherris


still editing this one but I did infact mean for it to be all over the
place in rhyme and rhythm. Thanks for reading
C

Posted by Cherris on Friday, May 27, 2005 at 8:06 AM
[Remove] [Reply to this]
        Kimber


i like this one. i like the 'all over the place rhyme and rhythm'. it fits.

Posted by Kimber on Friday, May 27, 2005 at 2:46 PM
[Remove] [Reply to this]
        Cherris


A fellow ENFP would get this one lol ;) you ever feel like that? Like
you need to tone down the energetic intensity of your nature so people
don't get overwhelmed? Just wondering if that goes with the
personality type? Thanks for the comment btw =)!!

Posted by Cherris on Friday, May 27, 2005 at 3:17 PM
[Remove] [Reply to this]
        Kimber


yeh, but i can't do that. my mom is always telling me i need to chill
cuz i'm gonna scare people off.

"and the saddest thing I was taught to believe
is that no one could ever actually put up with me
I'm to far out of line
to open of mind
to loud and to playful
to careless to rash
to fucking impulsive and ready to laugh
I say the right things
at all the wrong times
I'm offensive, immoral and well... impolite..."

but if i did that i wouldn't be me and what's the sense in not being
yourself just for other peoples' sake? doesn't make sense to me. i am
who i am, either you like it or you don't. deal with, i do. my ex
should read this.

" You would like me to be exactly as I am
but only in the way that pleases you"

Posted by Kimber on Friday, May 27, 2005 at 3:32 PM
[Remove] [Reply to this]
        Cherris


I completely agree with you. I have to be myself anyway because I suck
at pretending to be anything else haha. For a while I thought it was
just part of growing up you know. That at some point I would need to
get my shit together and be stable or whatever... boring is a better
word lol. But I'm realizing I am who I am and always will be and I
need to stop fighting it... and I guess part of me is afraid that the
people in my life won't be able to deal with the real me... but fuck
it atleast I'll be happy =).

Posted by Cherris on Saturday, May 28, 2005 at 11:36 PM
[Remove] [Reply to this]
        Such a Basketcase


i soooooooo whole-heartedly agree like.. i can't even begin to explain
how much i agree.. but the troubling part about it is i'm going
through the same thing and i do it to myself all the time. i find
myself warning those around me of what they might see and i still try
to conceal it but it's so much harder hiding who and what you really
are than just openly expressing it and finding those willing to
accept. finding those willing to accept it is just as difficult tho.
and so the vicious cycle continually repeats itself. this is my
favorite of yours by far!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  <~ it definitely deserves
all those exclamations haha

Posted by Such a Basketcase on Saturday, July 23, 2005 at 5:33 PM
[Remove] [Reply to this]
        CrimsonWido


i feel this way all the time.. im so sick of not being able to be
myself around certain people... exspecially in this house... they just
dont understand me lol... i love so many lines in this one...
exspecially... "I sent out my sense of personal censorship
and am waiting for a replacement
please disregard the
out of the way place nobody goes
spirit of my conversation." great job cherris ...u fucking rock!

Posted by CrimsonWido on Saturday, May 28, 2005 at 8:58 PM
[Remove] [Reply to this]
        Cherris


Thanks so much!! I know what you mean, I am not one for censoring
myself but some times it's not worth the conflict it will cause with
certain people for me to just let it all hang out you know. It sucks
to be in situations like that. I am learning tho to relax more and
express my true self even when it might be a bit much for someone I
love. If they love me they're gonna have to deal sooner or later,
cause the real me is inevitably going to surface hehe.
Those are my favorite lines too. That particular part is what came
into my head first and the the whole poem is based around it. There
are still some things I think need tweaking here... but it makes the
point. Thx for commenting you know your input means so much to me :)!!

Posted by Cherris on Saturday, May 28, 2005 at 11:25 PM
[Remove] [Reply to this]
        jen


WOW. I LOVE this poem. Nice profile picture change too by the way,
quite lovely. ~peace.

Posted by jen on Sunday, May 29, 2005 at 2:00 AM
[Remove] [Reply to this]
        Cherris


Thanks so much! I could definitely use some of your editing
suggestions Jen. I'll post this in group when I have more time to come
back to it. I've had a busy Holiday weekend. But I feel this poem is
so long I lose the impact of the first and last stanza, and that's
what this poem is based on. I needed to say everything I said here...
just to sort it all out. But I don't know if it all necessarily needs
to be in this poem. I don't usually edit my poetry much... but I do
feel like this one still needs a little pruning. C

Posted by Cherris on Monday, May 30, 2005 at 10:33 AM
[Remove] [Reply to this]
        Strawbery


Wonderful!  CLAP CLAP CLAP

​Wed, Sep 14, 2005, 3:03 PM
to Sweet
you know my habits
my little routines
how I wake up in the morning
wrap myself in a sheet
sit down with my coffee and write for a while
you know the silly things to say
that always make me smile
you know when I say
at the end of the day
"I need to stretch out"
that I probably won't get up again
you know when I say 5 minutes
I always mean ten
like when I'm chatting with someone
need a little more sleep
walking out the door
or close to finishing
anything
you know I laugh when I'm nervous
talk fast when I lie
would never hurt you on purpose
and hate to cry
you know I need to walk for miles
sometimes
and those rare days when I'm quiet
you're still on my mind

you know I'm good and wasted when I say
"I'm just fine"

You don't seam to notice that I seldom cook
or do nothing for days
when I'm in a good book
and how I mean well
when I say
I'll get it all done today
and you don't care that I seldom do
all the things I set out to do
and when I'm longing to move
you take me away
and when I need someone close
you always stay
and when I write something so good
it makes me want to cry
you read it ~ tell me I'm amazing
and how glad you are that I
am just as I am
just as I am
You actually love me ~ Just as I am.



Stop in for a while
you know the way
remember the road
it's still the same
where ever I go
you know the way to the door with my name
you know you're welcome
you're always welcome here...
I haven't seen you in a while
I haven't heard your voice
I know I was the one to run
you helped me make the choice
but I love you
and where ever I go
I see your eyes
when I close mine
and the dreams they change
but you are so often there
that it no longer feels strange
that you seam close
though a thousand or more miles away
stop in for a talk
in the middle of the night
I'll climb out my widow
for a midnight walk
just like we used to do
your auburn eyes
your auburn hair
the freckles that you hate ~ I love
just like everything else about you
I know I let you down...
I know I let alot of people down
but the thought of the word hurt
between my name and yours
breaks my heart again
when I think of all the shit that you put up with back then
I needed you
I still do
tho I don't deserve a love like yours
I am longing still
to sit with you on the window sill
to laugh with you in a green grass park
and wander the streets of a city we both left a long time ago
come back this way
the road you know
the road you know so well
back to the door that bares my name
where ever I go
it remains the same
and you know better than any other
what we always meant to eachother
 you probably still know me better than any lover
and I...
I love you even more than I miss you girl...
If that is possible.

​I forget how young I am sometimes
Current mood: thoughtful

this is my favorite
quiet place to hide
inside
my skin
as bruises fade
and choices are made
as I choose to live
free and whole again
too many close calls in
such a short time
that I forget how
fucking young
I actually am
there was the time in the ocean
10 years old
caught in the undertow
as my lungs filled up with cold salt water
and they had to pull me free of the waves
and breathe life back into me
as I choked and found the will to live and breath
and at the age of fourteen
in a third world country
when the government was overthrown
and Americans were held hostage
and not aloud to leave the island
while the UN fought for us
to get let go
and there was gunfire near by
and rebels on the capital lawn
and war and death
near enough to hear
and we made it out
to young to realize
 the true danger of those days
then again at the age of16
when I thought
that I would rather sleep forever
than feel the pain
of first lost love
and I made stupid choices
and almost let my life fade from me
too many pills and my world blurred
and my head ached
and I refused to cry
but once again
it was not my time
and my silly dog kept barking and howling at me
wouldn't let me go to sleep
all through that blurry night
and I know if I'd have closed my eyes
I would have died
then at 19...
a near head on collision
my car was ripped like tinfoil
at the hands of a big work van
my body tossed at the windshield
blood on my face
but I stepped out and walked away from that place...
I won't give up so easy
no reason really...
then at 21
when I got in the worse fight of my life...
and forgot the guy had a gun
I remember seeing him run
to the place where he kept it hidden
after he threw me at the door
I nearly crumbled to the floor
but I felt the cool metal of the door knob
on my way down
and as he reached for the gun
I stood up
walked out the door
and began to run
I ran and ran
so breathless
not looking back
till I was so far away...
never to go back to him and that place
And then again there was the last time...
at the age of 27 I think... mabie 28
mistakes were made
by medical people
at a critical time
and they almost lost me...
20 mmore minutes they said... without the surgeons
 I'd have bled too much inside
and have been dead
I remember how my husband fought for me
hardly leaving my hospital bed...
it's all too much... to many times
to many close calls
in such a short life
to many moments
when everything flashed before my eyes
when I touched  eternity for a moment
and came back...
life is so precious
I never will give up
I'll fight to live
cause  I can't get enough
of possibilty and opportunity
never knowing what will happen next
and how much better life always gets
I'll fight forever
for this life I live...

​I am not doing as well as I'd like
it is so easy to finalize things on paper
but not quite so in the soul
and I tell myself
you do not exist
and even if you do
you are nothing like
how I picture you
in my mind
and thats the image I cannot leave behind
not yet
but I'm getting there
just have to stop lingering here
there is nothing for me
in this place
no look of love for me
in your eyes
no smile for this girl
on your face
sometimes I get to feeling
so reckless restless
that I want to throw glass bottles
up against a red brick wall
or figure out how the hell to actually cry...
I get so used to stopping myself
as quickly as I start...
but I miss you like hell
and I don't know who youeven are
or how you feel about me
you probably just want to fuck
like any other guy
and I have it in my head that
there's more to you than that...
and I'm probably wrong
I'm wrong all the time...

​Wed, Sep 14, 2005, 3:36 PM
to Sweet

don't dream of me
on roads of ever
don't say you're in love with me and speak to me never
don't pretend as if you're not a liar
or be surprised that I toosed my heart into the fire
of all you claimed to be
even though it's not for me
you we wanted
I was haunted
thoughts of you surrounded
my minded
now grounded
out of step and time
as I've revealed my fragile heart
my wild side
the time I cried
oh don't dream
don't dream of me
I won't dream of you
don't say you love me
then never see it through
I've got to run
the hell away from here...