Thu, Sep 22, 2005, 4:10 PM to Sweet think I'm not thinking about you about you right now and I'm not drinking here without you without you right now don't need a drink to get you out of my head not enjoying this wine so red not thinking about you not thinking about you right now not sitting here sitting here writing this down not tilting this glass this feeling will pass not drinking without you right now... not sitting here lonely nothing thinking I'm the only one that is in this love that this isn't enough for me or for you where's mind headed to cause I'm not IN LOVE WITH YOU! not thinking about you not thinking about you anymore not writing this down wondering what these dreams are for your not on my mind I left you behind I'm over you this time this not I'm over you THIS TIME and I'm not wondering where you are I'm happy your so far so far away I won't beg you to stay -- C.Joy
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Monday, September 19, 2005
am I so utterly out of reach Am I to live as fire and water unbridled unbidden I'll come running after am I to laugh quietly under my breathless breath I stop to wonder have you left will you come over am I to dance alone again under the cover of a moonlit hour will candlelight throw shadows of one or two am I to spend another night void of the true essence I've seen of you... you are only standing on the edge you dare not even think to climb back through the window you'd rather linger on the ledge is it safe to enter do you jump down into the street or climb to the rooftop and what is it you expect to meet in the torchlight a curtain blowing a silhouette of a girl how many times have I haunted your dreams and you wonder if you've ever haunted mine if I want your love the way you've longed for even the smallest sign... beyond a flutter of eye contact as I quickly glance away hide a faint smile is it meant for you do I want you to stay an hour longer and the question pierces you again like a knife do I desire you for an evening or perhaps the rest of my life and why do you hesitate why do you dare not speak your heart your mind am I so utterly out of reach or is it you Last night I dreamt an unusual dream that I can barely touch in this waking hour, and I woke to speak into darkness "I will always love you, I will always love you." 6:05 AM Charity Janisse Monday, September 19, 2005
so I remembered my dream... I remember the way he said "I love you" I can almost hear it aloud in my mind while I sit here now and write this down... that subtle Irish lilt... and a hint of sadness he begged me to stay on in town for a spell I'd already lingered a week or two too long and it was beginning to feel like roots and for some ~ roots ground and stabilize through the winds and rain of life but for me they are naught but a tangled trap a spider web vast attempting to keep me on for too long ... it's too much like ties and I remember the look of love and sorrow in his eyes another season and he'd have his harvest and enough of what he thought he'd need to come and travel along with me but who waits for the land when they long to touch the sky... as I ever, always do... and it seems the only response I know to say to words of love is goodbye... and I ... always do we met for one last night in the tavern where we'd locked eyes for the first time with songs and a fireplace bright he bought me my share of ale and I bedded him as I'd intended anyway with or without the drink and whether or not I would stay I saw something in his eyes I'd never seen in a man and I mistakenly thought I'd stumble across the likes of one like him again... I did not. I traded a house and a field and any hope of family or a stable life for the woods and the roads a verse, a song and my ever restless wandering spirit. I don't questions choices I make once all is done whether to go or stay I'll always move on I don't regret the loves I've left along the way but there was one that almost made me stay He said "I love you" and from his lips those sacred words fell with such passion they sounded as if they'd been stolen from an epic tale of battle and romance and glory something about him and the way he made his claim sounded as if it had never been said before and would never be said again to another but could I be a lover to one who needed solid ground beneath his feet at the end of the day a warm place to sleep I need the ships, I need the waves I need the forest, the fields a brand new place whenever I desire a different tavern a different fire endless adventures for stories and verses but sometimes... my heart... it curses my restless spirit that could not stop along the way wait a little longer and stay with a man who said "I love you" the way I would never hear again... and it took me a life time to realize that I would forever be in love with him. Charity 5:55 AM Saturday, September 17, 2005
Lady of the Wood She wanders the wasted wood a forest nymph or a wood elf is she as displaced in this land of man as the bear she so laments. Her heart is torn asunder like the wood she loves as it is carelessly devoured by man's plans and thoughtless iron fist. She is connected to the earth a spirit of nature that shines as she comes for a time to visit this wretched world where so much is lost and to soon forgotten... So much beauty in the endless art of leaves and bark tangled trees and forgotten streams. She cries for the land. Her heart breaks for the loss of life so brutally tossed aside and she hides in sorrow longing for a glimpse of hope in the morrow. But in her sadness she forgets that there is rare beauty in her compassion a beautiful spirit in her passion for these creatures of the earth and trees. There is a reason she is here in this place of desolation, pain and waste. She brings a spark of understanding that few can fathom. Her voice is a voice of reason reminding us of the treason of destroying where we come from the earth, the trees, the water, the sun. And though she feels spent we hear her lament and pause to revel in the beauty of nature and sorrow of loss we might otherwise let pass us by. Her passion weeps the forest sleeps but beauty is enraptured in the images she's captured. And her poetry sings a song that allows her wood to live on in the hearts and souls of those that won't so easily forget the simple beauty and value of a quiet forest and the sanctuary that can be found in the calming sound of a rambling stream. Another poem inspired by my lovely friend CrimsonWido Charity Janisse Friday, September 16, 2005
was that the sun was that the sun sneaking through the kitchen window casting it's yellow smile on the wall was that the wind teasing like hands through my hair with the faint smell of fall was that the morning that crept thru my bedroom window announcing that another day has come was that the evening the darkening sky filled with stars as bright as a glistening look in your eye was that the world continuing to spin and the moon and the sun in the sky as they have always been was that life living still and time preceding onward without stopping could it be that days carry on and seasons change throughout the year and night turns into dawn even without you here and I would not have thought that the universe would continue or even I as small as I may be in the whole realm of all could wake and leave my dreams and step from one day to the next without you here with me was that the sun shining thru my kitchen window casting it's yellow smile on my face was that smell of fall and the change of seasons continuing in this place... is it right that life should move forward and that I should go on too when I miss you more than ever before and my heart will not stop aching at the thought of autumn without you. Charity Wed, Sep 14, 2005, 2:58 PM
to Sweet sent out I sent out my sense of personal censorship and am waiting for a replacement please disregard the out of the way place nobody goes spirit of my conversation I am tired of second guessing everything I say before or after I am frustrated with the fact that it's my responsibility if some uninvited person falls for me You would like me to be exactly as I am but only in the way that pleases you I have been raised to think twice or thrice or three thousand fucking times before I make up my mind I have been trained that each impulse or out of step action could actually mean my eternal distruction and the saddest thing I was taught to believe is that no one could ever actually put up with me I'm to far out of line to open of mind to loud and to playful to careless to rash to fucking impulsive and ready to laugh I say the right things at all the wrong times I'm offensive, immoral and well... impolite... But I bit my toungue so hard it's bleeding thru I toned it all down so I would not frighten you... Still was this not the draw the first thing that you saw that caused you to love me from the very beginning didn't you sware that you love the way I run through all the mazes of life with no social graces exactly quite right and that I see between the lines and the screen not accepting the division of realness and dream you said you loved me for these and you just may be tested No longer arrested is this spirit within me I will not second guess it and I hope you can love me I hope you can love me as I am and always will be because I'm done pretending that I care if I'm offending you or all the rest I can still love you all and not be exactly what you expect just let me recollect my sense of indivisuality and lack of grasp upon reality and please don't mind my restless ramblings... because I sent out my sense of personal censorship and am waiting for a replacement please disregard the out of the way place nobody goes spirit of my conversation. 10:55 PM - 11 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Cherris still editing this one but I did infact mean for it to be all over the place in rhyme and rhythm. Thanks for reading C Posted by Cherris on Friday, May 27, 2005 at 8:06 AM [Remove] [Reply to this] Kimber i like this one. i like the 'all over the place rhyme and rhythm'. it fits. Posted by Kimber on Friday, May 27, 2005 at 2:46 PM [Remove] [Reply to this] Cherris A fellow ENFP would get this one lol ;) you ever feel like that? Like you need to tone down the energetic intensity of your nature so people don't get overwhelmed? Just wondering if that goes with the personality type? Thanks for the comment btw =)!! Posted by Cherris on Friday, May 27, 2005 at 3:17 PM [Remove] [Reply to this] Kimber yeh, but i can't do that. my mom is always telling me i need to chill cuz i'm gonna scare people off. "and the saddest thing I was taught to believe is that no one could ever actually put up with me I'm to far out of line to open of mind to loud and to playful to careless to rash to fucking impulsive and ready to laugh I say the right things at all the wrong times I'm offensive, immoral and well... impolite..." but if i did that i wouldn't be me and what's the sense in not being yourself just for other peoples' sake? doesn't make sense to me. i am who i am, either you like it or you don't. deal with, i do. my ex should read this. " You would like me to be exactly as I am but only in the way that pleases you" Posted by Kimber on Friday, May 27, 2005 at 3:32 PM [Remove] [Reply to this] Cherris I completely agree with you. I have to be myself anyway because I suck at pretending to be anything else haha. For a while I thought it was just part of growing up you know. That at some point I would need to get my shit together and be stable or whatever... boring is a better word lol. But I'm realizing I am who I am and always will be and I need to stop fighting it... and I guess part of me is afraid that the people in my life won't be able to deal with the real me... but fuck it atleast I'll be happy =). Posted by Cherris on Saturday, May 28, 2005 at 11:36 PM [Remove] [Reply to this] Such a Basketcase i soooooooo whole-heartedly agree like.. i can't even begin to explain how much i agree.. but the troubling part about it is i'm going through the same thing and i do it to myself all the time. i find myself warning those around me of what they might see and i still try to conceal it but it's so much harder hiding who and what you really are than just openly expressing it and finding those willing to accept. finding those willing to accept it is just as difficult tho. and so the vicious cycle continually repeats itself. this is my favorite of yours by far!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <~ it definitely deserves all those exclamations haha Posted by Such a Basketcase on Saturday, July 23, 2005 at 5:33 PM [Remove] [Reply to this] CrimsonWido i feel this way all the time.. im so sick of not being able to be myself around certain people... exspecially in this house... they just dont understand me lol... i love so many lines in this one... exspecially... "I sent out my sense of personal censorship and am waiting for a replacement please disregard the out of the way place nobody goes spirit of my conversation." great job cherris ...u fucking rock! Posted by CrimsonWido on Saturday, May 28, 2005 at 8:58 PM [Remove] [Reply to this] Cherris Thanks so much!! I know what you mean, I am not one for censoring myself but some times it's not worth the conflict it will cause with certain people for me to just let it all hang out you know. It sucks to be in situations like that. I am learning tho to relax more and express my true self even when it might be a bit much for someone I love. If they love me they're gonna have to deal sooner or later, cause the real me is inevitably going to surface hehe. Those are my favorite lines too. That particular part is what came into my head first and the the whole poem is based around it. There are still some things I think need tweaking here... but it makes the point. Thx for commenting you know your input means so much to me :)!! Posted by Cherris on Saturday, May 28, 2005 at 11:25 PM [Remove] [Reply to this] jen WOW. I LOVE this poem. Nice profile picture change too by the way, quite lovely. ~peace. Posted by jen on Sunday, May 29, 2005 at 2:00 AM [Remove] [Reply to this] Cherris Thanks so much! I could definitely use some of your editing suggestions Jen. I'll post this in group when I have more time to come back to it. I've had a busy Holiday weekend. But I feel this poem is so long I lose the impact of the first and last stanza, and that's what this poem is based on. I needed to say everything I said here... just to sort it all out. But I don't know if it all necessarily needs to be in this poem. I don't usually edit my poetry much... but I do feel like this one still needs a little pruning. C Posted by Cherris on Monday, May 30, 2005 at 10:33 AM [Remove] [Reply to this] Strawbery Wonderful! CLAP CLAP CLAP Wed, Sep 14, 2005, 3:03 PM
to Sweet you know my habits my little routines how I wake up in the morning wrap myself in a sheet sit down with my coffee and write for a while you know the silly things to say that always make me smile you know when I say at the end of the day "I need to stretch out" that I probably won't get up again you know when I say 5 minutes I always mean ten like when I'm chatting with someone need a little more sleep walking out the door or close to finishing anything you know I laugh when I'm nervous talk fast when I lie would never hurt you on purpose and hate to cry you know I need to walk for miles sometimes and those rare days when I'm quiet you're still on my mind you know I'm good and wasted when I say "I'm just fine" You don't seam to notice that I seldom cook or do nothing for days when I'm in a good book and how I mean well when I say I'll get it all done today and you don't care that I seldom do all the things I set out to do and when I'm longing to move you take me away and when I need someone close you always stay and when I write something so good it makes me want to cry you read it ~ tell me I'm amazing and how glad you are that I am just as I am just as I am You actually love me ~ Just as I am. Stop in for a while you know the way remember the road it's still the same where ever I go you know the way to the door with my name you know you're welcome you're always welcome here... I haven't seen you in a while I haven't heard your voice I know I was the one to run you helped me make the choice but I love you and where ever I go I see your eyes when I close mine and the dreams they change but you are so often there that it no longer feels strange that you seam close though a thousand or more miles away stop in for a talk in the middle of the night I'll climb out my widow for a midnight walk just like we used to do your auburn eyes your auburn hair the freckles that you hate ~ I love just like everything else about you I know I let you down... I know I let alot of people down but the thought of the word hurt between my name and yours breaks my heart again when I think of all the shit that you put up with back then I needed you I still do tho I don't deserve a love like yours I am longing still to sit with you on the window sill to laugh with you in a green grass park and wander the streets of a city we both left a long time ago come back this way the road you know the road you know so well back to the door that bares my name where ever I go it remains the same and you know better than any other what we always meant to eachother you probably still know me better than any lover and I... I love you even more than I miss you girl... If that is possible. I forget how young I am sometimes
Current mood: thoughtful this is my favorite quiet place to hide inside my skin as bruises fade and choices are made as I choose to live free and whole again too many close calls in such a short time that I forget how fucking young I actually am there was the time in the ocean 10 years old caught in the undertow as my lungs filled up with cold salt water and they had to pull me free of the waves and breathe life back into me as I choked and found the will to live and breath and at the age of fourteen in a third world country when the government was overthrown and Americans were held hostage and not aloud to leave the island while the UN fought for us to get let go and there was gunfire near by and rebels on the capital lawn and war and death near enough to hear and we made it out to young to realize the true danger of those days then again at the age of16 when I thought that I would rather sleep forever than feel the pain of first lost love and I made stupid choices and almost let my life fade from me too many pills and my world blurred and my head ached and I refused to cry but once again it was not my time and my silly dog kept barking and howling at me wouldn't let me go to sleep all through that blurry night and I know if I'd have closed my eyes I would have died then at 19... a near head on collision my car was ripped like tinfoil at the hands of a big work van my body tossed at the windshield blood on my face but I stepped out and walked away from that place... I won't give up so easy no reason really... then at 21 when I got in the worse fight of my life... and forgot the guy had a gun I remember seeing him run to the place where he kept it hidden after he threw me at the door I nearly crumbled to the floor but I felt the cool metal of the door knob on my way down and as he reached for the gun I stood up walked out the door and began to run I ran and ran so breathless not looking back till I was so far away... never to go back to him and that place And then again there was the last time... at the age of 27 I think... mabie 28 mistakes were made by medical people at a critical time and they almost lost me... 20 mmore minutes they said... without the surgeons I'd have bled too much inside and have been dead I remember how my husband fought for me hardly leaving my hospital bed... it's all too much... to many times to many close calls in such a short life to many moments when everything flashed before my eyes when I touched eternity for a moment and came back... life is so precious I never will give up I'll fight to live cause I can't get enough of possibilty and opportunity never knowing what will happen next and how much better life always gets I'll fight forever for this life I live... I am not doing as well as I'd like
it is so easy to finalize things on paper but not quite so in the soul and I tell myself you do not exist and even if you do you are nothing like how I picture you in my mind and thats the image I cannot leave behind not yet but I'm getting there just have to stop lingering here there is nothing for me in this place no look of love for me in your eyes no smile for this girl on your face sometimes I get to feeling so reckless restless that I want to throw glass bottles up against a red brick wall or figure out how the hell to actually cry... I get so used to stopping myself as quickly as I start... but I miss you like hell and I don't know who youeven are or how you feel about me you probably just want to fuck like any other guy and I have it in my head that there's more to you than that... and I'm probably wrong I'm wrong all the time... Wed, Sep 14, 2005, 3:36 PM
to Sweet don't dream of me on roads of ever don't say you're in love with me and speak to me never don't pretend as if you're not a liar or be surprised that I toosed my heart into the fire of all you claimed to be even though it's not for me you we wanted I was haunted thoughts of you surrounded my minded now grounded out of step and time as I've revealed my fragile heart my wild side the time I cried oh don't dream don't dream of me I won't dream of you don't say you love me then never see it through I've got to run the hell away from here... |
Charity Janisse
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