Charity Janisse
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the light from which I Came

12/29/2005

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I will admit I see a light
tho I don't think it's the end
of the tunnel
the way that people say
exactly the opposite
I am working my way
back to the source
the light from which I came
the spark that bares my name
and I am one and the same
with this beginning
with this forever
with this sense of always
this lack of never

I feel loved
this is astounding
renewing and grounding
me
while setting me completely free
to float the way I do
       in dreams
uninhibited
electric and we
don't land
no we don't land
I'm seeing the beginning
 of this tunnel again
and I am coming back
away from the night
away from the black
that enveloped me
for such a time
but developed me into what is mine.

I am not retreating
nor looking back
but returning to the origin
of what I know
          has always been...

that beautiful, hopeful
utterly unstoppable start

You said I was so in your head

and I say
          you are my heart.
--
Charity
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so damn scared

12/27/2005

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I don't know what to say
at this point I feel faint
falling
falling
sigh
do I have to cry
so many times... so many times
I want to be over this
I want to be okay
for one moment
of one day
I left I know I did
I was so scared
so damn scared
I didn't know where to go
or what to do
I couldn't stay
in that god damn town
and not be with you
I couldn't see you
and I couldn't deal with thinking of you with another
even tho we didn't know how the fuck to be together
I didn't know it was going to hurt like this
not like this
after all this time
and I must have heard a thousand times over
that love fades with time
wounds heal
and I'm still waiting
I was told by everyone that seamed to know what the hell they were talking about
that eventually I'd be over you and better for it
what a bunch of fucking liars
to say such things
to a kid like me
and I didn't know any better than to believe
so damn nieve
and now I've been running for so long
and don't even remember where I'm from
and no one remembers me
I left everything I owned and had ever known
went back to a family
that had never accepted me
and I tried to change everything
all over again to attempt to please them
'cause I was lost
and didn't know where else to go
but that's not home
when you have to change everything you are
and accept as truth things you don't believe in
or even agree with
to be loved and accepted by someone
that's not family
and I don't give a damn how thick blood does run
when people refuse to love you as you are
that's not home
I've been looking for home my whole life
I htought I'd found it by being your wife...
but I was to damn young
and to fucked up
to be a partner to anyone
I couldn't even be there for myself
let alone for you
but that doesn't mean I didn't love you
I love you so damn much
you have no idea
but I made you crazy
I made you angry
My restless and inability to stay put or finish anything
made me hurt you
more than I ever meant ...
and never intended to
and when you hurt me
and did things
that made me angry and crazy too
I'd do something worse
and hurt you too...
I never meant
I never meant
I never meant
any of that
and when I made mistake after mistake
and simply couldn't take hurting you anymore
I tried to ended it all
and when I failed at leaving this world
I left town ....
and when so soon after
you had another in your bed...
I wanted to leave this world again
and I never dealt with any of this pain
I loved you
I just hated me
I loved you
I just didn't know how to be
together
forever
with anyone
not even me
so I had to run
I had to leave
so atleast on of us could be free
from the hell
of being with me...
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when they Said - Extended

12/27/2005

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how could I know when no one had loved me like that... before

I don't know how to let go
I don't know how
what have I
what have I to do
I can't change the past
but these painful experiences have
taught me that
I can change my future
into something beautiful
without changing myself at all
 love
 saved my life
so many times in so many ways
when I finally learned to stay
thru those long nights
and difficult days
loving another unconditionally taught me
to believe
in myself
and that I am amazing
without even changing
a damn thing about
who I am
and that's all that I'd been told to do my whole life
be something different
be someone else
and I tried
dammit I tried
because I was told
and how did I know better
too young to see or know that
the people who raised me
...to hate me
could be completely wrong
about me
how could I know that they were not right
when they said
if I was thin enough
and religious enough
everything in my life would be perfect
how was I supposed to know
how fucked up that was
when no one had ever told me any different
and when life got too hard
and love turned out to be harder than I ever thought it could be
and I longed to leave this world completely
I mistakenly thought
just as I'd been taught
that I would be perfect and fine
and life would be just right
if I was pure enough, good enough, thin enough, religious enough
anything
anything
except me...
I would be fine
if only I could be
a better person than me
and when I left home
and everything in my life began to crash down around me
and the love I had thought would save me
only stood to betray me
I tried
to do all I'd been taught to do
and how could I know
how could I know that those who told me
those wretched things
those who could never accept or love me for just being me
could be so wrong
so completely wrong...
and I fucked up everything in my life
trying to be thin enough religious enough!!! DAMMIT!!!
it is so fucked up
I took those pills that made me so restless and unhappy
and I stayed awake for months... starved myself
tried to give up
everything I instinctively wanted and desired and knew to be true
because it fell outside of religious rule
and DAMMIT I lost everything
everything I loved
everything
I knew
everything
and you... you thought it was because of you
that I ran
but it was me
it was me
and my fucked up family
and my drugged up insanity
my quest to be anything
that I could never be
that made me want to run from me
and you would have accepted me
you would have loved me
just for me
but how could I let you
when I didn't know I was even alowwed to
accpet love
for being who I am
fuck fuck fuck
and it still hurts
after all I've learned
how far I ran
to get from all I thought was wrong
about me
I know now... you don't fix things in life
by being perfect, religious, thin blah blah fucking blah
all that shit I was told ...whatever
you fix things in life
by putting one foot in front of the other
stepping from one day into the next
holding on to the commitments you make to yourself
and those that actually love you for who you are
and you follow through
and you stay
and you do whatever you need to do
to make love stay
to make love stay
because it is so rare to find
someone
who will be there
day and night
dark and light
and it's worth the fight
you don't have to change yourself
fix yourself
and try to fix and change anyone else
all you really have to do is be
we are all amazing each
with our gifts
our abilities
and we may not be what everyone says we ought
and we may not do all the things we were taught
but we have strengths
we've never even scene
till life and love demands of us
the very best that we could ever possibly be
and I discovered that
I discovered that
along a very treacherous road
that I would not wish on anyone
but now that it's done
I'm just so happy that I will never try to solve the problems in my life
by being anything
accept exactly who I am
and fuck the pills that were supposed to make me thinner
and fuck the religion that was supposed to make me better
it will never
it will never
I thank the love and the life
that taught me
to wake up
put on foot in front of the other
and fight for the things that matter
in the very depths of my absolute being
and that is all
that is all we can do
and I'm sorry
I'm so sorry I never did that for me and you...
I didn't know any better
I didn't know I would still love you ten years later
and I never realized that you would have loved me to
just as I am
how could I know
when no one ever had...
no one ever had
no one ever had
loved me like that
before.

--
Charity
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stopped for a while

12/27/2005

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Picking up the pieces
... it's gonna take a while
putting back together
everything...  I never meant to
fuck up along the way
 but I stopped
I stopped for a while
and alot of things unraveled
but I ...
   am back together
and that's the first time
in along time
that I can say that

sometimes we need to pull away
break down
fall apart
and I had my day
to fade
just like everyone does
at some point

but I
    came back
just like
everyone should
                    at some point

and my house is a mess
and my finances
                  are torched...
and I really could be in much better shape myself

but inside
for the first time
in what has been one very
 very long night...
I feel that all is right.

I can't bring back the things that I've lost
but I will no longer bare the cost
and let the pain of yesterday
wear me down today

I know it's gonna take a while
it's been much too long
since I've been on top of
all that daily shit
we all have to do
     to get by

but inside
       for the first time
    in a long time
I am absolutely sure
            I'm alright

and right now
that sense of clarity
purpose, peace and self awareness
matters more to me
than anything
I screwed up along the way
to get to the place that I am
                                     today.
--
Charity
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December 27th, 2005

12/27/2005

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cleaning out
places in this house
I have not been
since I moved in
boxes of random pictures
art and scribbled papers
that those people told me
to put away
because of sin
and with those things
I put away
what little happiness
that those came with
I can't believe
I accepted
that depressing half life
that I was handed
and they said it was
the only right
and everything else
 was wrong of me
and I let my art go
with my poetry
... and had no idea
why the hell
I was so fucking miserable
for such a time
as that
lasted
and happier
before it began...
too young to be
less nieve
only knew to believe
what was taught to me
thought it was my job to be
so fucking miserable...

no longer
will I box up
collections
of pictures
from a happier day
when I was reckless enough
to live life my way
it is as I am
and happy to be so
then now
and fuck the inbetween

time lost
it cost
but atleast I learned
and I won't pay that price
for the rest of my life
or tell others to do the same

I will live my life
write what's on my mind
finger paint
with open hands...
and it's freeing
weaving together the strands
of who was
and who I am
and fuck the in between
the things I tried to be
for anyone but me

I am exactly as free
as I choose to be
--
Charity
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liars

12/27/2005

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​.time troubles me
I forget it is not the same as space
in between
the places I've lived and the things
I've seen
time does not seam to actually
change
anything
I thought I could hide
far away
and that after a time
cease to feel this same pain
time has not accomplished
any of this
the longer I lived
the less I thought I'd miss
those I tried
to leave behind
I was told
that time heals wounds
 love fades
and life goes on
liars
liars all
who said these things
to a younger... more nieve
much less jaded version of me
and time has not healed anything
and why
when I
push the wound deeper within
my skin
every year
that has past
is hurts much more
deeply
than the last
and I was told that
time would heal
that I needed to allow myself to feel
that was how I'd be able to recover and carry on
liars
liars all
who said these empty words to me
and I believed
but time
has not accomplished anything.

Charity
​12/27/2005

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of endless understanding

12/27/2005

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​I am swept
cannot collect
my thoughts
or catch my breath
one notion of you
and I move through
an array of emotions
and land in this devotion
of endless understanding
and all I've learned
love can be

at peace
and quiet for a moment
my thoughts
move like music
through a room
swaying with
this love of you

it's a feeling
something like happy
I had no idea
but I can be
actuallly
........happy

there's a word
so unfamiliar
these last seven years
have not seen
the brilliance
of what life can be

in this moment
much like silence
and this stirring sense
of calm
my thoughts
they move like music
and I'd dance in these till dawn
--
C.Joy

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Done

12/27/2005

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I'm DONE
        trying to be friendly
with rude thoughtless people

I don't know why
for a while I tried
to make friends I did not actually want
and to be a part of a particular group
that seamed to have a lot in common with me...
but there is so much more to friendship
than appearences
and I sware I thought
I'd learned this lesson already

seams like I should know by now
that in life
we connect with people or we do not
it's that simple

I had a group of friends
in a town I lived in once
and they were my whole life
my family
when I didn't have one
but apparently most of them don't even remember me
and I come to this town
looking for the same scene
trying to recreate what I once had
with different people
that seamed like those
but these
are not
and they have eachother
anyway

 I'm finally ready to say
I don't want that life anymore
not here nor there
not now
because then
is gone
and will not be again
and these new people don't give a damn about me
and those others don't even fucking remember me
why would I try
to like people
I don't ...
I'm not really sure
seamed like the thing to do
but it didn't make me happy
so I'm definitely done trying

connections are made one on one
indivisual friends we can lean on
there's no getting in
with a group or a scene
unless you want to be one of them
and I will never be anything except what I am
so why kiss their ass
like I'm in some highschool class
I have no fucking idea...
but I won't be doing it again.









untied ( the ending or the beginning that brought it on)

This is all coming together
memories mixed with hunger
... thought had passed forever

but the past is much too clever

it all comes back
what is
what was
what will always be
it all is
and still a part of me
the pieces that make
truces we break
hearts we take

loves we forsake

it all goes
it all stays
I move on to another phase
of life
a wife
to fire and earth
transform
rebirth
and what came first
the ending or the beginning that brought it on
the beginning
          that moved me on
I ramble
     I ramble on
and yet...
I see you as clear today
as any day ever

oh the past is much too clever

to let me sever
the thought
you brought
the life
I tried

.you lied.

I am completely
                   untied

untied
untied

untied.
--
Charity
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estranged from Myself

12/27/2005

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​and I hate it

I sit here
estranged from myself in thought
a few to many glasses of wine
too early in the day
but it goes down smooth and it's Saturday
so what does it matter
worlds of  memories
visions
triumphs and failures
hit me like a car crash
the way it happens in slow motion
and I know I am to blame
all the same
I cannot stop
the collision
so I sit here
too many realizations
and this ship of thought
or whatever the fuck you want to call
this tangent of emotion
capsizes in my mind
and I am helpless
to control
the sinking flooding
exaggerated randomness
of yesterday
and then some
I'll surface soon
I'll breathe again
I'll live somehow
(as if I never knew him)
I'm such a liar
I'm such a liar
sometimes
coping...
and I am surprised
with everything that I've
memorized
that I cannot think how to cope right now
glass to lip
another sip
I'm careful and cautious to keep it responsible
in the daylight hours
who knows what will happen at night
and I don't even care
to think of later
so swallowed by before
I go on
you go on
the after thought of everything
is testing me
to the furthest extreme
of all rationality
and I will be alright
tomorrow
or the day after
or the next
why am I so perplexed
 by pain
at this point
it should be second nature to me
and I tell you
I'm okay
I quickly glance away
I stopped crying five minutes ago
and I'm fine
I'm fine
except that I am such a liar
I am such a fucking liar
it's all I can do
as memories better left
in the sad places that
I tried to put them some where deep inside
wash right through my mind
and I am helpless
I am helpless...
and I hate it
--
C.Joy

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island

12/7/2005

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Wednesday, December 07, 2005


Untouched Islands in the Universe

There was a moment
when I was 14 years old
on a boat to the Island of Cebu
in the Philippines
and it was early
so early everyone else was still asleep
I slipped out of my bed
in a cabin down in the lower levels of the boat
where passengers were sopposed to stay
during sleeping hours
and I found my way
down the tiny halls
up a ladder
passed the crewmen's quarters
and made my way to the deck
snuck past the hands
in the pilot house that were sleepily steering the boat
through the maze of tiny islands
scattered throughout the sea
and I made my way to the deserted bow.

I stood at the very front of ship
just before sunrise
felt the wind in my hair
as the sun began to rise and light up the tops of untouched islands
all I could see were mountaintops, trees
ocean for miles in every direction and the endless sky.
In that moment
all I knew was life, beauty and nature
completely untouched by the hand of man
the air I breathed was brilliantly clear and cool
I felt separate, unknown, untouched and completely whole
a moment of clarity unmatched
by any other I've ever experienced in my life.

There's no way to describe the exquisite freedom
of being at the bow of a boat
on the other side of the world
watching the sun come up
breathing the pure air
I was a part of everything
the breeze blew right through me
the sky and the water
did not stop where I began
there was no separation between myself
and the earth, the universe
I was one with all
yet completely alone, untouched
unscathed by the busy world around
and the constant rush of man and daily life
and all those things
that seam to matter
when you are deadset in the middle of a
noisy city
I was away, separate from anything I'd I ever known
and yet absolutely intouch
distinctively whole
a part of the universe and the beauty of all.

I've never fully left that moment.

There's times when I find
life gets so intense and money is tight
and the car won't start
and the bills keep pouring in
and all the people around are telling me
what I should do
where I should be
how to live my life
when not a single one of them knows what
it means to be truly free.
I take deep breath
and for a moment I leave
and suddenly I'm standing at the bow of a boat
on the verge of sunrise
with pure clean air in the wind that touches my skin
and runs like hands through my hair
and all my eyes can see
is the expanse of the ocean
and the beauty of trees and mountaintops
on untouched islands.

And suddenly I am connected
to everything that truly matters
completely alive, one with the universe
and separate from all the thorns and tangles of daily life
that can hold us back and tare us down
when we forget
that we have the ability
to rise above
and move beyond all of that
freely breathe
and truly
utterly live
one with all, completely whole
and simply be
authentically, absolutely Alive.
--
Charity
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    Charity Janisse


    Poems I've written over the course of my life and recently.
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