|
I will admit I see a light
tho I don't think it's the end of the tunnel the way that people say exactly the opposite I am working my way back to the source the light from which I came the spark that bares my name and I am one and the same with this beginning with this forever with this sense of always this lack of never I feel loved this is astounding renewing and grounding me while setting me completely free to float the way I do in dreams uninhibited electric and we don't land no we don't land I'm seeing the beginning of this tunnel again and I am coming back away from the night away from the black that enveloped me for such a time but developed me into what is mine. I am not retreating nor looking back but returning to the origin of what I know has always been... that beautiful, hopeful utterly unstoppable start You said I was so in your head and I say you are my heart. -- Charity
0 Comments
Picking up the pieces
... it's gonna take a while putting back together everything... I never meant to fuck up along the way but I stopped I stopped for a while and alot of things unraveled but I ... am back together and that's the first time in along time that I can say that sometimes we need to pull away break down fall apart and I had my day to fade just like everyone does at some point but I came back just like everyone should at some point and my house is a mess and my finances are torched... and I really could be in much better shape myself but inside for the first time in what has been one very very long night... I feel that all is right. I can't bring back the things that I've lost but I will no longer bare the cost and let the pain of yesterday wear me down today I know it's gonna take a while it's been much too long since I've been on top of all that daily shit we all have to do to get by but inside for the first time in a long time I am absolutely sure I'm alright and right now that sense of clarity purpose, peace and self awareness matters more to me than anything I screwed up along the way to get to the place that I am today. -- Charity .time troubles me
I forget it is not the same as space in between the places I've lived and the things I've seen time does not seam to actually change anything I thought I could hide far away and that after a time cease to feel this same pain time has not accomplished any of this the longer I lived the less I thought I'd miss those I tried to leave behind I was told that time heals wounds love fades and life goes on liars liars all who said these things to a younger... more nieve much less jaded version of me and time has not healed anything and why when I push the wound deeper within my skin every year that has past is hurts much more deeply than the last and I was told that time would heal that I needed to allow myself to feel that was how I'd be able to recover and carry on liars liars all who said these empty words to me and I believed but time has not accomplished anything. Charity 12/27/2005 I am swept
cannot collect my thoughts or catch my breath one notion of you and I move through an array of emotions and land in this devotion of endless understanding and all I've learned love can be at peace and quiet for a moment my thoughts move like music through a room swaying with this love of you it's a feeling something like happy I had no idea but I can be actuallly ........happy there's a word so unfamiliar these last seven years have not seen the brilliance of what life can be in this moment much like silence and this stirring sense of calm my thoughts they move like music and I'd dance in these till dawn -- C.Joy Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Untouched Islands in the Universe There was a moment when I was 14 years old on a boat to the Island of Cebu in the Philippines and it was early so early everyone else was still asleep I slipped out of my bed in a cabin down in the lower levels of the boat where passengers were sopposed to stay during sleeping hours and I found my way down the tiny halls up a ladder passed the crewmen's quarters and made my way to the deck snuck past the hands in the pilot house that were sleepily steering the boat through the maze of tiny islands scattered throughout the sea and I made my way to the deserted bow. I stood at the very front of ship just before sunrise felt the wind in my hair as the sun began to rise and light up the tops of untouched islands all I could see were mountaintops, trees ocean for miles in every direction and the endless sky. In that moment all I knew was life, beauty and nature completely untouched by the hand of man the air I breathed was brilliantly clear and cool I felt separate, unknown, untouched and completely whole a moment of clarity unmatched by any other I've ever experienced in my life. There's no way to describe the exquisite freedom of being at the bow of a boat on the other side of the world watching the sun come up breathing the pure air I was a part of everything the breeze blew right through me the sky and the water did not stop where I began there was no separation between myself and the earth, the universe I was one with all yet completely alone, untouched unscathed by the busy world around and the constant rush of man and daily life and all those things that seam to matter when you are deadset in the middle of a noisy city I was away, separate from anything I'd I ever known and yet absolutely intouch distinctively whole a part of the universe and the beauty of all. I've never fully left that moment. There's times when I find life gets so intense and money is tight and the car won't start and the bills keep pouring in and all the people around are telling me what I should do where I should be how to live my life when not a single one of them knows what it means to be truly free. I take deep breath and for a moment I leave and suddenly I'm standing at the bow of a boat on the verge of sunrise with pure clean air in the wind that touches my skin and runs like hands through my hair and all my eyes can see is the expanse of the ocean and the beauty of trees and mountaintops on untouched islands. And suddenly I am connected to everything that truly matters completely alive, one with the universe and separate from all the thorns and tangles of daily life that can hold us back and tare us down when we forget that we have the ability to rise above and move beyond all of that freely breathe and truly utterly live one with all, completely whole and simply be authentically, absolutely Alive. -- Charity |
Charity Janisse
Archives
August 2022
|
RSS Feed