Charity Janisse
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the light from which I Came

12/29/2005

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I will admit I see a light
tho I don't think it's the end
of the tunnel
the way that people say
exactly the opposite
I am working my way
back to the source
the light from which I came
the spark that bares my name
and I am one and the same
with this beginning
with this forever
with this sense of always
this lack of never

I feel loved
this is astounding
renewing and grounding
me
while setting me completely free
to float the way I do
       in dreams
uninhibited
electric and we
don't land
no we don't land
I'm seeing the beginning
 of this tunnel again
and I am coming back
away from the night
away from the black
that enveloped me
for such a time
but developed me into what is mine.

I am not retreating
nor looking back
but returning to the origin
of what I know
          has always been...

that beautiful, hopeful
utterly unstoppable start

You said I was so in your head

and I say
          you are my heart.
--
Charity
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stopped for a while

12/27/2005

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Picking up the pieces
... it's gonna take a while
putting back together
everything...  I never meant to
fuck up along the way
 but I stopped
I stopped for a while
and alot of things unraveled
but I ...
   am back together
and that's the first time
in along time
that I can say that

sometimes we need to pull away
break down
fall apart
and I had my day
to fade
just like everyone does
at some point

but I
    came back
just like
everyone should
                    at some point

and my house is a mess
and my finances
                  are torched...
and I really could be in much better shape myself

but inside
for the first time
in what has been one very
 very long night...
I feel that all is right.

I can't bring back the things that I've lost
but I will no longer bare the cost
and let the pain of yesterday
wear me down today

I know it's gonna take a while
it's been much too long
since I've been on top of
all that daily shit
we all have to do
     to get by

but inside
       for the first time
    in a long time
I am absolutely sure
            I'm alright

and right now
that sense of clarity
purpose, peace and self awareness
matters more to me
than anything
I screwed up along the way
to get to the place that I am
                                     today.
--
Charity
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liars

12/27/2005

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​.time troubles me
I forget it is not the same as space
in between
the places I've lived and the things
I've seen
time does not seam to actually
change
anything
I thought I could hide
far away
and that after a time
cease to feel this same pain
time has not accomplished
any of this
the longer I lived
the less I thought I'd miss
those I tried
to leave behind
I was told
that time heals wounds
 love fades
and life goes on
liars
liars all
who said these things
to a younger... more nieve
much less jaded version of me
and time has not healed anything
and why
when I
push the wound deeper within
my skin
every year
that has past
is hurts much more
deeply
than the last
and I was told that
time would heal
that I needed to allow myself to feel
that was how I'd be able to recover and carry on
liars
liars all
who said these empty words to me
and I believed
but time
has not accomplished anything.

Charity
​12/27/2005

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of endless understanding

12/27/2005

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​I am swept
cannot collect
my thoughts
or catch my breath
one notion of you
and I move through
an array of emotions
and land in this devotion
of endless understanding
and all I've learned
love can be

at peace
and quiet for a moment
my thoughts
move like music
through a room
swaying with
this love of you

it's a feeling
something like happy
I had no idea
but I can be
actuallly
........happy

there's a word
so unfamiliar
these last seven years
have not seen
the brilliance
of what life can be

in this moment
much like silence
and this stirring sense
of calm
my thoughts
they move like music
and I'd dance in these till dawn
--
C.Joy

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island

12/7/2005

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Wednesday, December 07, 2005


Untouched Islands in the Universe

There was a moment
when I was 14 years old
on a boat to the Island of Cebu
in the Philippines
and it was early
so early everyone else was still asleep
I slipped out of my bed
in a cabin down in the lower levels of the boat
where passengers were sopposed to stay
during sleeping hours
and I found my way
down the tiny halls
up a ladder
passed the crewmen's quarters
and made my way to the deck
snuck past the hands
in the pilot house that were sleepily steering the boat
through the maze of tiny islands
scattered throughout the sea
and I made my way to the deserted bow.

I stood at the very front of ship
just before sunrise
felt the wind in my hair
as the sun began to rise and light up the tops of untouched islands
all I could see were mountaintops, trees
ocean for miles in every direction and the endless sky.
In that moment
all I knew was life, beauty and nature
completely untouched by the hand of man
the air I breathed was brilliantly clear and cool
I felt separate, unknown, untouched and completely whole
a moment of clarity unmatched
by any other I've ever experienced in my life.

There's no way to describe the exquisite freedom
of being at the bow of a boat
on the other side of the world
watching the sun come up
breathing the pure air
I was a part of everything
the breeze blew right through me
the sky and the water
did not stop where I began
there was no separation between myself
and the earth, the universe
I was one with all
yet completely alone, untouched
unscathed by the busy world around
and the constant rush of man and daily life
and all those things
that seam to matter
when you are deadset in the middle of a
noisy city
I was away, separate from anything I'd I ever known
and yet absolutely intouch
distinctively whole
a part of the universe and the beauty of all.

I've never fully left that moment.

There's times when I find
life gets so intense and money is tight
and the car won't start
and the bills keep pouring in
and all the people around are telling me
what I should do
where I should be
how to live my life
when not a single one of them knows what
it means to be truly free.
I take deep breath
and for a moment I leave
and suddenly I'm standing at the bow of a boat
on the verge of sunrise
with pure clean air in the wind that touches my skin
and runs like hands through my hair
and all my eyes can see
is the expanse of the ocean
and the beauty of trees and mountaintops
on untouched islands.

And suddenly I am connected
to everything that truly matters
completely alive, one with the universe
and separate from all the thorns and tangles of daily life
that can hold us back and tare us down
when we forget
that we have the ability
to rise above
and move beyond all of that
freely breathe
and truly
utterly live
one with all, completely whole
and simply be
authentically, absolutely Alive.
--
Charity
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    Charity Janisse


    Poems I've written over the course of my life and recently.
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