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I will admit I see a light
tho I don't think it's the end of the tunnel the way that people say exactly the opposite I am working my way back to the source the light from which I came the spark that bares my name and I am one and the same with this beginning with this forever with this sense of always this lack of never I feel loved this is astounding renewing and grounding me while setting me completely free to float the way I do in dreams uninhibited electric and we don't land no we don't land I'm seeing the beginning of this tunnel again and I am coming back away from the night away from the black that enveloped me for such a time but developed me into what is mine. I am not retreating nor looking back but returning to the origin of what I know has always been... that beautiful, hopeful utterly unstoppable start You said I was so in your head and I say you are my heart. -- Charity
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I don't know what to say
at this point I feel faint falling falling sigh do I have to cry so many times... so many times I want to be over this I want to be okay for one moment of one day I left I know I did I was so scared so damn scared I didn't know where to go or what to do I couldn't stay in that god damn town and not be with you I couldn't see you and I couldn't deal with thinking of you with another even tho we didn't know how the fuck to be together I didn't know it was going to hurt like this not like this after all this time and I must have heard a thousand times over that love fades with time wounds heal and I'm still waiting I was told by everyone that seamed to know what the hell they were talking about that eventually I'd be over you and better for it what a bunch of fucking liars to say such things to a kid like me and I didn't know any better than to believe so damn nieve and now I've been running for so long and don't even remember where I'm from and no one remembers me I left everything I owned and had ever known went back to a family that had never accepted me and I tried to change everything all over again to attempt to please them 'cause I was lost and didn't know where else to go but that's not home when you have to change everything you are and accept as truth things you don't believe in or even agree with to be loved and accepted by someone that's not family and I don't give a damn how thick blood does run when people refuse to love you as you are that's not home I've been looking for home my whole life I htought I'd found it by being your wife... but I was to damn young and to fucked up to be a partner to anyone I couldn't even be there for myself let alone for you but that doesn't mean I didn't love you I love you so damn much you have no idea but I made you crazy I made you angry My restless and inability to stay put or finish anything made me hurt you more than I ever meant ... and never intended to and when you hurt me and did things that made me angry and crazy too I'd do something worse and hurt you too... I never meant I never meant I never meant any of that and when I made mistake after mistake and simply couldn't take hurting you anymore I tried to ended it all and when I failed at leaving this world I left town .... and when so soon after you had another in your bed... I wanted to leave this world again and I never dealt with any of this pain I loved you I just hated me I loved you I just didn't know how to be together forever with anyone not even me so I had to run I had to leave so atleast on of us could be free from the hell of being with me... how could I know when no one had loved me like that... before
I don't know how to let go I don't know how what have I what have I to do I can't change the past but these painful experiences have taught me that I can change my future into something beautiful without changing myself at all love saved my life so many times in so many ways when I finally learned to stay thru those long nights and difficult days loving another unconditionally taught me to believe in myself and that I am amazing without even changing a damn thing about who I am and that's all that I'd been told to do my whole life be something different be someone else and I tried dammit I tried because I was told and how did I know better too young to see or know that the people who raised me ...to hate me could be completely wrong about me how could I know that they were not right when they said if I was thin enough and religious enough everything in my life would be perfect how was I supposed to know how fucked up that was when no one had ever told me any different and when life got too hard and love turned out to be harder than I ever thought it could be and I longed to leave this world completely I mistakenly thought just as I'd been taught that I would be perfect and fine and life would be just right if I was pure enough, good enough, thin enough, religious enough anything anything except me... I would be fine if only I could be a better person than me and when I left home and everything in my life began to crash down around me and the love I had thought would save me only stood to betray me I tried to do all I'd been taught to do and how could I know how could I know that those who told me those wretched things those who could never accept or love me for just being me could be so wrong so completely wrong... and I fucked up everything in my life trying to be thin enough religious enough!!! DAMMIT!!! it is so fucked up I took those pills that made me so restless and unhappy and I stayed awake for months... starved myself tried to give up everything I instinctively wanted and desired and knew to be true because it fell outside of religious rule and DAMMIT I lost everything everything I loved everything I knew everything and you... you thought it was because of you that I ran but it was me it was me and my fucked up family and my drugged up insanity my quest to be anything that I could never be that made me want to run from me and you would have accepted me you would have loved me just for me but how could I let you when I didn't know I was even alowwed to accpet love for being who I am fuck fuck fuck and it still hurts after all I've learned how far I ran to get from all I thought was wrong about me I know now... you don't fix things in life by being perfect, religious, thin blah blah fucking blah all that shit I was told ...whatever you fix things in life by putting one foot in front of the other stepping from one day into the next holding on to the commitments you make to yourself and those that actually love you for who you are and you follow through and you stay and you do whatever you need to do to make love stay to make love stay because it is so rare to find someone who will be there day and night dark and light and it's worth the fight you don't have to change yourself fix yourself and try to fix and change anyone else all you really have to do is be we are all amazing each with our gifts our abilities and we may not be what everyone says we ought and we may not do all the things we were taught but we have strengths we've never even scene till life and love demands of us the very best that we could ever possibly be and I discovered that I discovered that along a very treacherous road that I would not wish on anyone but now that it's done I'm just so happy that I will never try to solve the problems in my life by being anything accept exactly who I am and fuck the pills that were supposed to make me thinner and fuck the religion that was supposed to make me better it will never it will never I thank the love and the life that taught me to wake up put on foot in front of the other and fight for the things that matter in the very depths of my absolute being and that is all that is all we can do and I'm sorry I'm so sorry I never did that for me and you... I didn't know any better I didn't know I would still love you ten years later and I never realized that you would have loved me to just as I am how could I know when no one ever had... no one ever had no one ever had loved me like that before. -- Charity Picking up the pieces
... it's gonna take a while putting back together everything... I never meant to fuck up along the way but I stopped I stopped for a while and alot of things unraveled but I ... am back together and that's the first time in along time that I can say that sometimes we need to pull away break down fall apart and I had my day to fade just like everyone does at some point but I came back just like everyone should at some point and my house is a mess and my finances are torched... and I really could be in much better shape myself but inside for the first time in what has been one very very long night... I feel that all is right. I can't bring back the things that I've lost but I will no longer bare the cost and let the pain of yesterday wear me down today I know it's gonna take a while it's been much too long since I've been on top of all that daily shit we all have to do to get by but inside for the first time in a long time I am absolutely sure I'm alright and right now that sense of clarity purpose, peace and self awareness matters more to me than anything I screwed up along the way to get to the place that I am today. -- Charity cleaning out
places in this house I have not been since I moved in boxes of random pictures art and scribbled papers that those people told me to put away because of sin and with those things I put away what little happiness that those came with I can't believe I accepted that depressing half life that I was handed and they said it was the only right and everything else was wrong of me and I let my art go with my poetry ... and had no idea why the hell I was so fucking miserable for such a time as that lasted and happier before it began... too young to be less nieve only knew to believe what was taught to me thought it was my job to be so fucking miserable... no longer will I box up collections of pictures from a happier day when I was reckless enough to live life my way it is as I am and happy to be so then now and fuck the inbetween time lost it cost but atleast I learned and I won't pay that price for the rest of my life or tell others to do the same I will live my life write what's on my mind finger paint with open hands... and it's freeing weaving together the strands of who was and who I am and fuck the in between the things I tried to be for anyone but me I am exactly as free as I choose to be -- Charity .time troubles me
I forget it is not the same as space in between the places I've lived and the things I've seen time does not seam to actually change anything I thought I could hide far away and that after a time cease to feel this same pain time has not accomplished any of this the longer I lived the less I thought I'd miss those I tried to leave behind I was told that time heals wounds love fades and life goes on liars liars all who said these things to a younger... more nieve much less jaded version of me and time has not healed anything and why when I push the wound deeper within my skin every year that has past is hurts much more deeply than the last and I was told that time would heal that I needed to allow myself to feel that was how I'd be able to recover and carry on liars liars all who said these empty words to me and I believed but time has not accomplished anything. Charity 12/27/2005 I am swept
cannot collect my thoughts or catch my breath one notion of you and I move through an array of emotions and land in this devotion of endless understanding and all I've learned love can be at peace and quiet for a moment my thoughts move like music through a room swaying with this love of you it's a feeling something like happy I had no idea but I can be actuallly ........happy there's a word so unfamiliar these last seven years have not seen the brilliance of what life can be in this moment much like silence and this stirring sense of calm my thoughts they move like music and I'd dance in these till dawn -- C.Joy I'm DONE
trying to be friendly with rude thoughtless people I don't know why for a while I tried to make friends I did not actually want and to be a part of a particular group that seamed to have a lot in common with me... but there is so much more to friendship than appearences and I sware I thought I'd learned this lesson already seams like I should know by now that in life we connect with people or we do not it's that simple I had a group of friends in a town I lived in once and they were my whole life my family when I didn't have one but apparently most of them don't even remember me and I come to this town looking for the same scene trying to recreate what I once had with different people that seamed like those but these are not and they have eachother anyway I'm finally ready to say I don't want that life anymore not here nor there not now because then is gone and will not be again and these new people don't give a damn about me and those others don't even fucking remember me why would I try to like people I don't ... I'm not really sure seamed like the thing to do but it didn't make me happy so I'm definitely done trying connections are made one on one indivisual friends we can lean on there's no getting in with a group or a scene unless you want to be one of them and I will never be anything except what I am so why kiss their ass like I'm in some highschool class I have no fucking idea... but I won't be doing it again. untied ( the ending or the beginning that brought it on) This is all coming together memories mixed with hunger ... thought had passed forever but the past is much too clever it all comes back what is what was what will always be it all is and still a part of me the pieces that make truces we break hearts we take loves we forsake it all goes it all stays I move on to another phase of life a wife to fire and earth transform rebirth and what came first the ending or the beginning that brought it on the beginning that moved me on I ramble I ramble on and yet... I see you as clear today as any day ever oh the past is much too clever to let me sever the thought you brought the life I tried .you lied. I am completely untied untied untied untied. -- Charity and I hate it
I sit here estranged from myself in thought a few to many glasses of wine too early in the day but it goes down smooth and it's Saturday so what does it matter worlds of memories visions triumphs and failures hit me like a car crash the way it happens in slow motion and I know I am to blame all the same I cannot stop the collision so I sit here too many realizations and this ship of thought or whatever the fuck you want to call this tangent of emotion capsizes in my mind and I am helpless to control the sinking flooding exaggerated randomness of yesterday and then some I'll surface soon I'll breathe again I'll live somehow (as if I never knew him) I'm such a liar I'm such a liar sometimes coping... and I am surprised with everything that I've memorized that I cannot think how to cope right now glass to lip another sip I'm careful and cautious to keep it responsible in the daylight hours who knows what will happen at night and I don't even care to think of later so swallowed by before I go on you go on the after thought of everything is testing me to the furthest extreme of all rationality and I will be alright tomorrow or the day after or the next why am I so perplexed by pain at this point it should be second nature to me and I tell you I'm okay I quickly glance away I stopped crying five minutes ago and I'm fine I'm fine except that I am such a liar I am such a fucking liar it's all I can do as memories better left in the sad places that I tried to put them some where deep inside wash right through my mind and I am helpless I am helpless... and I hate it -- C.Joy Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Untouched Islands in the Universe There was a moment when I was 14 years old on a boat to the Island of Cebu in the Philippines and it was early so early everyone else was still asleep I slipped out of my bed in a cabin down in the lower levels of the boat where passengers were sopposed to stay during sleeping hours and I found my way down the tiny halls up a ladder passed the crewmen's quarters and made my way to the deck snuck past the hands in the pilot house that were sleepily steering the boat through the maze of tiny islands scattered throughout the sea and I made my way to the deserted bow. I stood at the very front of ship just before sunrise felt the wind in my hair as the sun began to rise and light up the tops of untouched islands all I could see were mountaintops, trees ocean for miles in every direction and the endless sky. In that moment all I knew was life, beauty and nature completely untouched by the hand of man the air I breathed was brilliantly clear and cool I felt separate, unknown, untouched and completely whole a moment of clarity unmatched by any other I've ever experienced in my life. There's no way to describe the exquisite freedom of being at the bow of a boat on the other side of the world watching the sun come up breathing the pure air I was a part of everything the breeze blew right through me the sky and the water did not stop where I began there was no separation between myself and the earth, the universe I was one with all yet completely alone, untouched unscathed by the busy world around and the constant rush of man and daily life and all those things that seam to matter when you are deadset in the middle of a noisy city I was away, separate from anything I'd I ever known and yet absolutely intouch distinctively whole a part of the universe and the beauty of all. I've never fully left that moment. There's times when I find life gets so intense and money is tight and the car won't start and the bills keep pouring in and all the people around are telling me what I should do where I should be how to live my life when not a single one of them knows what it means to be truly free. I take deep breath and for a moment I leave and suddenly I'm standing at the bow of a boat on the verge of sunrise with pure clean air in the wind that touches my skin and runs like hands through my hair and all my eyes can see is the expanse of the ocean and the beauty of trees and mountaintops on untouched islands. And suddenly I am connected to everything that truly matters completely alive, one with the universe and separate from all the thorns and tangles of daily life that can hold us back and tare us down when we forget that we have the ability to rise above and move beyond all of that freely breathe and truly utterly live one with all, completely whole and simply be authentically, absolutely Alive. -- Charity |
Charity Janisse
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