It was the want that drove me.
the desire deeper than any hunger... like the time the waves of the ocean almost pulled me back and under and I fought to the surface, fought for air fought for life that's what the want felt like. it drove me to trade all that I'd made all that I'd built and all games that I played it was the want that drove me to throw it all away and chase the moon instead the sand of the desert the ancient promise that all things that be are deity all things that breathe are a breath of divine eternity. I had to push through the walls, the roof, the ceiling for the sake of the want for the depth of that feeling. it drove me to break through all that I was told I could not, should not and would never do. I had to in response to the want of something greater, deeper more powerful, passionate and utterly real than any need I'd allowed myself to feel before the day I gave into the want got on an airplane and threw away every catch that ever caught at my skin and held me back from feeding that longing. it was and will always be the need to honor the want. Charity J
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She was a long way from home
I knew the look I had seen it in the mirror more than once. Another cup of coffee A late night walk on the shore A cigarette with a friend Then off to the next town. Charity I found the place between tree branches and sky I took a moment and climbed inside I lost myself there And loved what came after the moment I lost myself there I became peace I became a branch high in the shadows of the tree I became a wisp of air that blew through those branches. I was the dirt that the roots dug in and clung to And I was the roots enjoying the deep cool of the earth surrounding me. I found the place between tree branches and sky I climbed inside and I stayed for the night I saw my breath against the morning light And I thanked the universe for encircling me Somewhere within the shadow of it’s wing And allowing me a moment of peace A moment of forgetting to be myself or anyone else in between… The dirt, the sky and the branches of that tree. Charity Trees ~ Photographs by Charity Janisse ©2016 Photos Taken in 2012/2013 With iPhone 4
He’d been on the road a long time.
Eventually his blue motorbike rusted and failed. It didn't stop him though, from going the way he meant to go. He left it in fallen leaves by the side of the road And walked instead The way he meant On down the trail. Charity I fell for you in one wicked moment
And there was not a damn thing I could do about it. What happened when I moved carefully past you To my seat And my legs brushed up against your knees And I was sure in that moment Everything that had happened in my life In the universe Before that night Was just me Moving towards that rendezvous with you. Just a brush against you A quick glance at your eyes Then less than subtly Down to your mouth On to your hands… Your hands And then there went all my plans To ever want again Anyone but you. And I caught myself Tempted to stare Relishing the charge in my skin The charge in the air... Where had I been till then Did it matter? Did I care? I had to drag my gaze away Right then Before I did Something slightly insane Impulsive and utterly inappropriate In a crowded plane. And I couldn’t help But smile to myself To see The way My mind it wanders The wicked things it ponders… Who was this one Suddenly so close to me Making me want So recklessly And I glanced At the window And I took my seat. Waited quietly to see if you'd speak to me. But that was it Right then I was all the way in All the way fucking in And there was not a damn thing I could do about it. Charity I fell fast and quick
just slipped right into love or something like that... with you. But the gates were closed your walls tall stone above my head with frozen snow dusting your chilly touch on my skin. The last girl that passed through had broken you... You built your iron gates and brick walls high after that then locked yourself into a painless, loveless hope for safety. And I'm sorry that I met you after her and not before. Charity 2013 The sun burned hot in the sky last summer.
The rain did not come for months and everything that had been real to me began to fade Like the green of the grass as it changed to yellow, crackled beneath my bare feet and turned to dust. I remember forgetting obligations, complications and random social drama... I stepped away from it all and chased rust and trains instead. As the reality I knew twisted, turned, writhed and fought for my attention I let it wither and fade. I ran after magic, I meditated in the dry heat, I let time roll backwards and forwards then cease to exist at all. I chased sunrises and sunsets I hunted for old buildings where I could lose myself in photographing the lovely details Of crumbling bricks and cracked paint And I thought about how everything we build turns to ash eventually. It is only our soul outside of time and fabrication that lives and exists to create more life. So I stopped feeding the machine The man made web of credit, work and wasted days My life would no longer be lost to wretched office walls That would one day crumble and decay like the rest. I chased sunsets and trains instead Until I couldn't even remember why I ever walked into the office day after day And believed that it mattered and was worth trading in my life, my bliss, my time or my art. Then one day after the drought outside had lasted for so long that it had drained most of the color from the natural world around me I looked up and asked for rain. I felt one drop then another The sky clouded and the storm came With a torrent of rain And I walked out of the office and chased the storm instead. 1/27/2013 Charity Stopped by the side of the road
Caught between a thought and not a thought. I smile and say just a moment. No one is listening. If only it all would pause for just a little while… And I could forget the rest. And then a wave of nothing passes through me. When everything that we count on to keep us distracted from soul hunger disappears and yet somehow we remain, what is left? A girl standing in the desert by the side of the road Photographing an enchanting paint splash on a telephone pole, Somewhere between a thought and not a thought Lost in the universe, still making art. Charity There’s a traveling girl reaching through my hands
Curiously testing the lock on every door she stumbles across As she explores this most interesting realm. This world with all its laws that seem so real And she laughs at the part me that believes they are. There’s a traveling girl, Timeless, brilliant and mad to live on the edge of every truth ever told Every rule ever made, every game ever played. She enjoys the view through my eyes She thinks outside my mind From a deeper place inside… And she never ceases reaching through my hand Towards the handle of every door that I’d always planned (For practicality’s sake) To leave unopened. She’d prefer the locks be broken The words be spoken And reality tested Till it’s forgotten or bested By this traveling girl Exploring this fascinating world ~ Where people believe in the rules of time The limits of gravity And oh so gladly Follow the standards set By all the others that explored this place before… But not her None of the rules apply to her Because she’s just a traveler passing through. Charity 7/30/2015 Every time the painted sky prepares for night, I think of your smile and wonder why at times we must travel separately in this life.
Till I see you again, meet me at sunset in thought, for as you know the early evening breeze through the sunlit trees is and has always been, our song. Charity |
Charity Janisse
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